25 January midnight
I feel overwhelmed with all the feelings inside me.
I feel so angry, frustrated, exhausted, and irritated.
There are so many piled-up emotions I have to process.
Too much to think about, but nothing to process.
Why am I so confused and angry?
Why am I not able to tolerate my life?
In which I just
Wake up
Try dieting
Get some sunlight.
Work all day.
Walk in the evening and spend some quality time with my bhaaasst friend.
Go to the gym
Write, and then sleep.
Mostly my sleep gets compromised, and recently work pressure has not been handled well. I need to add meditation to this, as well as a good sleeping schedule and setting boundaries with people. Don't let my work get to me. I can't spend my 9 to 9 at work; that's too much from tomorrow. I am reducing my working hours.
I am taking a stand for myself. I'll complete my work till 7.30 p.m., because after that, I lose my calm and become extremely less productive.
I feel like my childhood tuition day all over again. When I had no option but to sit till 9 p.m. or worse, 10 p.m., and when I was back home
No kids are playing anymore. I stopped studying after a while, realizing my tutors and parents are idiots who believed more hours meant more studies; it's actually the opposite.
I hate this feeling so trapped and exhausting.
Why am I not able to handle any emotions these days? I hate you for not changing and accepting me. I hate you for not loving me enough to understand me and adore me. I hate that you broke me. I am sorry, but I can't take this anymore. I just want to give up. Life is so difficult; you were my escape from all the realities of life. I loved you so much. Why did you leave me? Why couldn't you just adapt a little? Funny how I flipped my life for so many years and you couldn't even try for more than 2 weeks. Someone recently told me I am a damaged piece. I know I am not, but I felt it. It's not because of you. You broke my heart, and you never have to bear the consequences of that. I used to tolerate the emotional abuse all day long; you kept whining and irritating me all the time. Why do people irritate people? Why can't they just accept, move on, or simply leave? No one does that, from parents to partners who give you this gift of a shitty life and then don't provide the right things except for traumas. Other people take advantage of those traumas because you lack confidence, self-esteem, and self-awareness.
especially how love should have boundaries. Fuck, love, fuck life, and I know it's just a shitty day, and this shall pass too. Aaaaahhhh, I hate my life. Good night. I am usually a very enlightened and happy person, but sometimes I can't find my source of light.
