9th Feb
Today I scrolled through a lot of things, and they were all cute, romantic, and comforting, which is what I seek a little currently. I kept imagining it with my IBF and felt like sending him each time, especially this one ( https://www.instagram.com/reel/C2brpBrS9-f/?igsh=MTcyd3Q3MjY2OTVlMw== ) cause that's how I imagined my love for him and then I had to stop myself and tell myself, "Sweetheart, it's not real. Stop your thoughts. As of yesterday, I am planning to end my book. I mean, sort of mostly convinced with the idea of stopping it completely. Finally, my real life is getting better. I mean, there are a lot of mess-ups, but recently I found a friend who stays nearby, and she approached me to be her friend. She puts effort into seeing me every day. She calls me multiple times, checks up on me, texts me, sends me reels, and tags me on her stories. It's so weird that I don't have to do anything and still she chooses to be my friend. Yes, I am her accountability partner, but that's it. I mean, I do reciprocate her energy, but I am going slow since my old friend moved back to her city. I have been feeling low and sad ever since. I stopped watching series and don't feel the need to make new friends. I just wanted to escape that because she gave me comfort and love with gestures like hugging, kissing my cheeks, getting me chocolates, having dinner with me, taking walks, and sitting at a cafe playing UNO. It wasn't a very long time, but losing her was hurtful, and I never processed that feeling. I did burst out on my other friend later, and then I cried like a kid in front of him. I really just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. He didn't leave me, but that's when it hit. I don't seek comfort or people to caress me or hold me. I am content with myself; finally, I have some growth, like being able to cry alone and be okay with it. My delusion I don't like him anymore because it hit me that there's a reason we will never work—not because he is not interested in me, but because we will never be interesting together, and I don't want a relationship like that. I want someone with whom I can share my heart. We can talk and bond for hours, play games, go out, explore places, do things, and hang out with our family and friends. Have the time of our lives cooking, cleaning, teasing, and fighting together. Talk about random things and share our childhood stories. I don't think we have all these things. I want someone who will read my journal and delusions. Treat me like a queen and plan dates. propose to me with big gestures like getting me a bouquet of flowers; try to know my little details, my likes and dislikes. He is so confident, secure, honest, loyal, and vocal. He is also tall with broad shoulders. He is into fitness and doesn't smoke or drink. My man will be "The Man." I can't wait to write about my dreamy man.
