I feel so anxious knowing the truth and accepting sh*t. Last night, before sleeping, I moved on a little in life. Currently, I am with my mom. My back hurts a little, but I just want to be with her. I am helping her with some chores. I am also visiting my whole soul, Bappa, who loves and cherishes me. I feel so weak internally that I just want to lay my head in the temple and cry like a baby. This faith in God had made me peaceful rather than lost. I am no longer lonely—maybe hurt, disappointed, or betrayed—but never lonely because God is constantly here with me. We connect, and everyone else is a temporary connection, so it's okay. I am not happy, but I am not sad either. I am grateful for everything, from meeting my sister to seeing Bappa. Every time I have a conversation with someone, I realize something new about myself because of the constant analysis mode that I am in. What happened to me when I became such a quitter rather than a go-getter? Why does my work task feel more like a burden on my existence than the task itself? Tomorrow, I am going to push myself to complete them all before my work starts and then see how it feels. I hope I actually do it rather than delaying it. I love you, Bappa, for this growth in me so far and for making me fit into my clothes that didn't fit before. I am grateful for this size and achievement.
