This was the longest gap I could take.
Where I did nothing
In order to push myself
This time I was practicing.
Detachment from my expectations, not just people
I was supposed to meditate, as said by my therapist in the last session, and stress less.
Let this pressure go completely.
So every time I felt this need to perform
In a certain way or do a certain task
I just told myself, It's okay; don't do it.
Take some time off.
Like my therapist said in one of my sessions
It's okay to do nothing at all.
It's alright to not feel like doing things.
Whether it's exercising, journaling, working, or anything at all,
Sometimes we are exhausted from doing everything and trying to please people.
So that's what I did.
I let go of everything now; nothing is bothering me currently.
Everything is allowed to go.
Friends, family, work, body, peace, consistency, my expectations of me, etc.
So here's the me who's expecting nothing.
Hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst while remembering it can go way worse than my judgment of the worst too.
So here's me trying to figure out my life by trying multiple things and sometimes not doing anything at all.
I ended something today, and it felt peaceful doing so because I deserve good things too.
So I never settle for less.
Also, I experienced something new today. You are enough; all you need is faith in yourself and your imagination to satisfy you.
Recently, I have started creating an imaginary vision board where I think about it before I go to sleep, like I did before.
I was attracting the love of my life for comfort, attention, and happiness. I did get it.
Later, my education at BCU I used to imagine my university campus indoors, and I got it. I drew the university logo to paste it on my cupboard and upload it to Instagram. A few months later, I uploaded my first day of university picture.
Then a life in Canada I received my passport request for visa stamping, and my gut said "no," so I didn't proceed.
So it definitely works for me, and I have set my new intentions now. Even if it doesn't pan out the way I want it to, I will trust the process because God has better plans for us all.
I had this question to myself for my birthday this year. I have achieved nothing this year except for failures; there's nothing to look forward to. I have failed my life miserably, from relationships to career.
Now I am realizing
I have achieved a lot, especially the most important thing I have gained for myself: my own individuality, which was lost in the process of chasing a career with my partner and pleasing people who didn't see me for me. Whereas now I see me, and I get to be with me while also being with people who love me for being me.
I love this freedom I got today after so many years where you don't have to answer someone all the time for going out, meeting someone, wearing an outfit, posting pictures or clicking pictures, or missing people.
It's really freeing to live like this; obviously, these are just the pros.
The cons are many, too.
Nobody will accompany me to the doctor, and the list goes on.
Why do I have this need to justify my love in all the scenarios, like he is some hero in my life and I don't want to trash him ever?
He isn't perfect, nor am I.
Anyway, coming back to my birthday achievement,
This year, I lost 9 kg.
I went to the gym and ate regularly.
I did a lot of puja, which I missed out on due to some reasons over the years.
I spend a lot of quality time with my mom and family.
I started being independent again.
I don't need a man to make me feel fulfilled anymore.
I take therapy, and I take care of myself.
both physically and emotionally.
I will be there for the important people in my life.
I am healing from the trauma and pain I felt so deeply.
I bought all the pink clothes possible.
I accept my love for pink and embrace it.
I love the Barbie movie, and it's extremely inspiring.
I have Barbie in the real world, like my mom, who is strong-minded and does it all, from managing home chores to work to taking care of her father and both her kids.
My therapist, who is a sane, down-to-earth, amazing, spirited, and supportive friend, is the spiritual, witty Barbie we all need.
My sister, who is a listener, guide, and empathetic soul, is a much-needed Barbie in everyone's life.
My younger cousin, who is a bubbly, bitchy, cutie genz who needs nothing but exciting moments all the time, one who can show you a good time and sometimes otherwise a Barbie to make you feel intensely happy and irritated both.
Sum it up.
I did good deeds in the Robinhood Army as much as possible.
I made new friends.
I reconciled with my relatives.
I finally lost 9 kg after years of planning.
I experienced new things like failures, heartbreak, loss of appetite and sleep, anxiety, and getting over them all slowly.
Also, consistency and traveling
Concerts, etc
I started posting on Wattpad and Instagram.
So writing and editing videos
Learning to cook slowly and steadily
I finally started spending time with nature, as I used to think a lot about it but couldn't do so.
I started donating and investing.
So actually, this year has given me a lot more than I could think of, and I am grateful for it all.
Thank you, God and my ex, for teaching it to me all.
I can't wait to be a real-life Barbie physically too 🙈😍
Maybe next year.
