I always thought once I felt emotionally and financially independent
I won't miss him, and he won't bother me.
Because I don't rely on him anymore.
But I do.
Now I don't need him to take care of me.
Or be there for me.
But I miss him.
His presence in my life
I miss taking care of him.
Protecting him from this cruel world and his own overthinking mind
Yes, I'm not a people-pleaser anymore.
But reassuring him was a comfort.
Still, when he behaves like he did in the good old days,
Nothing is there.
All is shattered.
That's the fact.
But hugging him and crying my heart out in his car
Forgetting it all
Just venting my feelings
Basically asking him
Why did you leave?
Just like I always wanted to ask my dad
He just pulled me away from himself.
He held my hands and made me stable.
All I wanted to say was
Can I do it for a while?
Like, keep hugging and crying like a baby.
Growing up, my dad abandoned me.
In a way,
I could never really feel his presence.
Because he lost himself too.
My last few memories of me and my dad
Is he coming home all drunk?
And I'm feeding him dinner.
Because he would eat it out of love.
Or else he wouldn't
Then eventually he stopped that as well.
Some memories of him
Making me sit on his shoulders
And roam around.
He gifted me my first phone on Children's Day in 6th or 7th grade.
A Samsung slider phone
Watching Tom and Jerry with us (me and my brother)
Action Hollywood movies, always joking around
Okay, while writing this, I can think of a lot of things now.
It feels good to remember all this.
I was not able to communicate with him today.
I don't have the patience to listen to Him lecturing me about how I ruined my life or anyone at all.
Except for doctors
The only ones I like to hear
Rest all the people who just bother me.
Now, it happened again.
The one man on whom I relied most left me
I am not talking about leaving me now.
He left me right after he got me completely
I don't blame him.
He didn't have the capacity to accept
Forgive, forget, or move on.
Understand and let a person be.
It takes a lot to adjust.
Accept someone as they are and love them.
Unconditionally.
Neither could I.
Yes, I tried, but I couldn't find myself.
To become something I am not.
He made me feel at home.
He was home.
He was everything I lacked in life.
And also the one who made me lose sight of what I had in me.
It never bothered me.
Because I had him
He had strength, energy, and power.
When I saw him after 9 months
I felt all of my progress had been broken.
He was looking at me.
As if expecting me to talk to him.
A little while later
I started weeping.
in the corner of that house.
Where we met
I kept looking for a place to close.
My tear ducts
But then our mutual friend touched my shoulder.
I started screaming and crying loudly.
It's like when you are sad and someone hugs you.
You become all the more sad, crying your heart out.
She hugged me as well.
I kept overthinking.
What they might be thinking
I am a selfish person.
Who did all the wrong things to him?
And now he is crying, as if he still matters.
They both might be judging me.
And that's the only way I could stop, or at least tame, my feelings.
Later, she gave us some space to talk.
And he asked me, being all concerned.
I decided not to speak.
What's bothering me?
But he kept pushing, and I blurted a girl's name.
Someone implanted it in my head.
It was crushing to know all this.
It wasn't true, but he came all the way.
Just to get rid of me
That's the other thought that occupies my mind.
He clarified that there's no girl or anything going on.
It did feel better to know that.
Looking at him
I felt so good.
Just like meeting my dad after months or years
I missed him.
Even though he harasses me emotionally and my mom too,
No doubt, it felt like home.
He definitely resonates.
All the right and wrong feelings about my home
That's sad, but true.
He loved eating like my family.
(My brother and my cousin's sister)
He was overweight and tall.
He was the kind, affectionate, and nurturing person opposite of my family in this scenario.
Looking at him
It made me feel at home.
He was also resonating with the characteristics of my dad.
He would use my mistakes against me like a weapon to guilt me into following him.
My therapist said,
I like feeling self-pity and guilty because it's a comfortable feeling.
While growing up, I always felt like that.
People around me tend to make me feel
Everything is my fault.
My existence is all the chaos in their lives.
My mom, my brother, my grandmother, my aunt, and some other people too always made me feel like that.
That's the reason I get sad.
I start blaming myself and tormenting myself.
Now I'm learning.
I'm just human.
The way I forgive others and accept them
I need you to do the same for me.
I deserve to be forgiven too.
It's okay to make mistakes.
I don't need to punish myself so harshly.
If I expect others to not punish themselves,
I love me and respect me.
Even if no one does
Or no one loves me.
It's alright to be alone.
It's alright to see the person you love.
Pick someone else over you.
It's alright to feel jealous, sad, or insecure.
Just acknowledge it and understand the reason to heal it eventually.
The beauty of wisdom
Is it a curse of acceptance?
You can't decide when to hold on or let go.
So learning is fulfilling now.
