Baby Steps

Aristotle Would Approve

Jo's POV:

The next couple weeks seemed to move at a snail's pace. I was expecting my LSAT score any day now, and my nerves were high as ever. Not to mention finals were coming up, and I had barely studied all semester. I was fucked.

I saw Colton nearly every day. If we didn't have class, he would come join me in the library, or invite me over to his. As happy as I was around him, I knew it wasn't smart to let myself get this distracted. And I sensed he felt the same.

With his hockey season starting to really pick up, I saw him less and less. Our library dates were getting cut short for practice, and in the morning he would have to drop me off at ungodly hours on his way to the rink. I could tell this was weighing on him, and I felt guilty for taking his time away from something he loved so dearly. 

We hadn't discussed winter break. I wasn't expecting him to bring it up - I assumed he had a million things to think about other than me. But I would be going home for break while he stayed here for hockey. The thought was terrifying.

I knew we weren't dating. I knew he didn't owe me anything, and if he completely forgot about me over the break, I knew I couldn't blame him. But the thought physically hurt.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to date him. I could no longer deny my feelings for him, but at the same time, I knew it wouldn't work. We were both graduating this year, and who knows where we'll both end up? It was simply impractical to get into a relationship right now. 

Plus, why would Colton want to me tied down? He had his whole future ahead of him, where he'll meet prettier, funnier, smarter girls. He didn't need me. 

I was currently spiraling, sitting on the couch eating dinner. Colton was at practice, and I couldn't help but let my mind wonder when he was away. Goddammit Jo, get it together.

"Hi babes," Emma greeted cheerfully, walking in the door. She had just come back from class, somehow still full of energy. I waved to her, my mouth full of pasta.

She came to join me on the couch, snuggling in next to me. I pulled the blanket from behind the couch around us both.

"How's your day been?" I asked, finally finished chewing. I felt her shoulders drop as she let out a big sigh.

"Long," she responded, as if letting her guard down for the first time today. "Ethan and I got into a fight this morning, kinda shook up my day."

I turned to face her, slightly surprised. Emma and Ethan rarely fought, and when they did, it was almost always over something minor. "What happened?" I asked. 

She turned, her face riddled with guilt. "I, uh, I told him I was applying to some grad programs," she said. "You know, I've been sending in applications to a bunch this fall." I nodded, knowing this was always her plan.

"Right, so what's the problem?" I asked gently.

She swallowed, looking me dead in the eye. "I mentioned I had applied to a bunch on the west coast. And applications are now closed."

I was shocked. Emma and Ethan had both decided last year to pursue masters, Emma in genetics, Ethan in biomedical engineering. But as far as I knew, they both planned to stay close by. Definitely not go to the west coast.

Emma curled back into me, eyes watery. "I just want to see what's out there, you know? I've lived in the northeast my whole life, I want to try something new. Plus, there's some great programs out there. And I might not even get in," she ranted. "Nothing's final, you know? I just wanted to see."

I nodded, letting her get it all out. I understand where she's coming from. At the end of the day, it's her future and career - in a way, I was proud of her putting that first.

But at the same time, I see the issue. Why Emma didn't tell Ethan to begin with is beyond me, but I had a feeling she wouldn't appreciate my inquiry. And now it's too late for Ethan to change his plans. Shit.

I pulled Emma into a tight hug, knowing the best thing I can do is listen and be there for her. In all honesty, I don't even know what advice I could give her. This was all foreign to me. 

"You'll figure it out," I reassured her. "Just give it some time."

She nodded, reaching out for the remote. "Let's watch something trashy. I wanna laugh."

***

Finals week came creeping up out of nowhere. Between studying and packing to go home, I was beyond busy. 

I had two exams and two final papers to write, one of which was the paper on fear and Aristotle. I had attempted to write it multiple times, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish it. When I really thought about fear, my mind went to a dark place, something I wasn't ready to share with the professor. 

I set up camp in the library on Sunday, deciding it was best to get this essay out of the way now, before I'm caught up in testing mode. I read over my previous drafts, internally cringing. These were awful.

I had decided to write about trust. How difficult it is to earn, yet so easy to break. And how I lived every day in fear of trusting the wrong people. The issue was, I couldn't seem to explain why this fear was so omnipresent in my life. At least, in writing. In my head, I knew exactly why.

I figured it might be easier to start with the Aristotle part, then get into my own personal experience. The book had taught me that if everyone lived in fear of trusting others, the world would descend into chaos. Likewise, if everyone blindly trusted one another, eventually someone would slip up and again, chaos. Finding the balance was the key - how to do that was beyond me. 

I typed away, nearly finishing the essay purely on Aristotle's interpretation. Exhausted, I took a break, scrolling through my phone instead.

Colton was away this weekend for a game, which hypothetically, should be a good thing. It should give me time to study and focus on finishing the semester strong. Unfortunately, it seemed to be doing the opposite.

I stalked his instagram, eager for any signs of life. He had posted a story of him and his teammates in the locker room before the game, captioning it "game day faces" with the typical male emojis. Ugh, so dumb, but so hot at the same time.

I hated to admit how much I missed him. I had gotten attached, and now I had to face the consequences.

Suddenly, I set my phone down, feeling inspiration strike. I opened the essay back up, and began writing furiously. Using a fake name, I wrote about Colton. How he had earned my trust, against my will. How scary it was to put my heart in someone else's hands again. And how no matter how afraid I was, the joy he brought into my life seemed to conquer all my worries. 

I think Aristotle would approve.

***

A/N: Another short one, sorryyyy!!

I'm really really REALLY gonna try to bang out a few chapters this week, I wanna get this moving along. Sorry in advance for the shitty writing lol.