eyeless - steddie✩

𝟏𝟔.

!!TW!! Heavy suicide mentioning and very emotional moments in this. Read at your own risk.
-
I returned home, tired and wanting to fall into his arms. I'm so fucking tired. I pushed my keys into the key hole, clearly struggling. "Fuck, Jesus fucking Christ just go in" I mumbled and nearly kicked the door open. I was met with a sleeping Eddie on the couch.

I kicked the door closed and dropped my keys on the counter, kicking my shoes off as I do so. I stretch as I walk toward the couch and sit on the other end. I looked over at him, the sun hitting him just right in the window light. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and have him hold me until dawn. I let him sleep while I made macaroni and cheese, and I woke up him with the sounds of pots clattering. "You're home" he smiled at me. I faked a smile back. His faded. "How was your day?" He asked, yawning. "It was fine" I said grimly. What was this sudden annoyance I had?

He hummed with an attitude. "Was it?" He asked and placed a hand on the counter. "Yes, it was" my tone grew angrier.

"What's your problem?"

"What do you mean 'what's my problem'?"

"You're acting like a jackass right now" he furrowed his eyebrows at me and shrugged.

I scoffed. I dropped the spoon in the pot. "No I'm not. I'm just- I'm not in the mood for this"

"Not in the mood for what? A fucking basic conversation?" He retorted. His voice growing louder. I turned to him ready to argue. I didn't want to.

"What's your deal, Eddie? I'm just fucking tired-"

He laughed. "It's just kind of pissing me off you're being fucking borderline rude when I was simply asking you a question about your day"

I grew angrier and defensive. "If you're so annoyed with me, why don't you just leave, huh?" I crossed my arms.

"You want me to leave? Right. You call me begging me to stay and you wanna kick me out because you're being irrational?" He retorted.

I stepped back.

"It's like I'm walking on eggshells with you. It's like I'm afraid I'll say anything and you'll break on me." He said. I knew he didn't mean it.

"I'm not fucking fragile, you asshole" I threw my arms and yelled. I don't want to lose him.

"I love you. I'm sorry." Tears poured out of his pretty brown eyes I loved.

He said he loved me. Why can't I say it back? I love him. I really, really do.

"Just fucking go! Leave me the fuck alone! I'm done with this bullshit." I said. His eyes nearly broke apart into little shattered pieces.

He looked at me a second, and then sighed. "Is that how you want it to be?" He stared into me.

No. I just stared. No words. I couldn't say anything.

"Fine." He stomped away from me and flung the door open, slamming it shut. He was gone. Gone. Out. Away. From me. That was it. I wanted him to come back but I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. He was gone so easily. Just like that, before me. Like magic.

After a while, I broke down. I fell to the floor and sobbed my soul out of my body. I cried so hard my body ached. But maybe it was for him. For him to hold me again. I clawed at my surroundings and then the floor, trying to grip on to something. Anything.

Clawing at whatever I could see with blurry eyes and tear stained floors.

I gasped for air and breathed quickly. No one. I had no one. I wanted to tear my skin off and rip my eyes out, I hate myself. I don't know why I do this.

I'm not a shitty person, I don't know why I bite.

I rocked myself back and forth, wanting to just pass out so my consciousness was in another realm and not this one. Maybe in another universe, this never happened. Maybe in another universe, we're happily kissing all over each other right now and giggling. Maybe in another universe, I didn't push him away.

My head felt light and I felt myself enter bliss as I felt myself go limp against the floor. It darkened. Everything. I was overthrown by colorful shapes and dizzy spinning. It felt nice.
-
I woke up right where I was before. The kitchen floor. I dreaded to be alive right now. The tears came again and I could barely stand being in my own body. What have I fucking done. I brought myself up and I nearly fell again from dizziness, I felt like shit. I was sweating profusely and I felt like my head was numb. I gripped the counter as I walked, trying to leave and drive to his trailer. I needed to say something. What time was it? I fell to my knees before I got to the door. I was hopeless. I sobbed again. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Please, come back. Please. Please please please please please." I begged. I chanted the begging over and over again until I felt sick of myself. I gasped and nearly screamed. I had my hand on the door hand, just crying against the door.

Part of me prayed he would burst through the door and hold me and kiss me and tell me everything was fine, but the other part hoped he would forget all about my existence and I'd kill myself right now. He wouldn't feel guilty. I nearly smiled at my solution. My stomach felt sick and I felt vomit rise up in my throat. I chucked up whatever was in my system up on the wooden floor. I sobbed more and more until I couldn't. I had no tears left in me. Then, the numbness blended into me like a gradient. I just stared into the floor, and it's nothing in my head. I had nothing to think about anymore.

I sniffled and sighed. Oh well.

.