Philophobia - Thorin Oakenshield - English version

Part 17

"Terwyn." Whispered the familiar voice of Frerin, she looked at him crying.

"Let go Terry." He then whispered after which the young woman shook her head and sobbed heavily as she held his hands. "No! Frerin no! NEVER!" She protested after which Frerin painstakingly kissed her hand.

"I love you princess, I'm going to Teylin now. I will stay in your heart, always." He managed to utter before closing his eyes and sinking away, slowly slipping out of her hands to a place where she could not follow him.

"Frerin!" She cried "FRERIN!" Screams and sobs filled the room, Dis rubbed her back and hair hopelessly. Thorin eventually pulled her into his arms after which he carried her away from all the stares as the physicians carried Frerin away to the infirmary where they would clean his body before burying him.

In Terwyn's room, Thorin released her again after which she dropped herself on the bed and continued to cry, although Thorin had lost his brother as much as she had lost her lover he stayed with the woman and soon held her back against him as he had done on the first day she arrived here.

Little Terwyn did knew she wasn't wanted there until Thorin came to her, his sweet shimmering blue eyes immediately put her at ease when Dis and Frerin then joined them she immediately clung tightly to them.

Like then, she now sat on Thorin's lap her head against his shoulder and her arms wrapped around his neck, different was that Terwyn was now not smiling with happiness but crying with pure sadness.

"I did what I could Terwyn, I'm sorry." Thorin whispered softly in a hopeless attempt to comfort her.

" know." She whispered quickly as she absolutely did not want Thorin to start feeling guilty.

"Why Thorin, why him? I loved him so much I swear! He was a great fighter how could this happen?" Sobbed Terwyn as she looked at Thorin again who was now wiping the tears from her face.

"Our father was surrounded, the leader of the orcs vowed to kill our family Frerin saw everything happening and jumped between the orcs giving his life to save another as we know him, no matter what I did I couldn't keep them all away from us, he was getting weaker and weaker." Thorin whispered as he too had tears in his eyes after which she hid her head against his shoulder again and continued to cry.

"He was a hero, he will always be a hero to me." Whispered Terwyn wearily where after Thorin nodded.

"He will be a hero to everyone, we all love him." This one said.

"Thorin you don't have to stay with me, go to Dis to your family." She said after a while but Thorin shook his head "I'm with my family." He only said making Terwyn smile weakly.

"We both know that's not the case, not anymore." She said, again Thorin shook his head disapprovingly.

"Don't say such things! You are family forever, Frerin begged me to look after you and take care of you, I won't break that promise Terry, you belong to me and Dis, this is your home and we are your family, family supports each other." Thorin said clearly after which she didn't dare to argue with him, she could only be grateful to him for everything.

Although they said grief and pain would wear off with time, Terwyn could not speak to this. Her heart was not simply broken, it seemed to have been ripped out of her chest. She didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to see daylight, didn't want to smell food, she just wanted to lie in bed and die so she could see Frerin and Teylin again. Yet she had to get back up every day, fight every day to get through. She still had a son who needed her. Farryn had also changed a lot since Frerin's death, however young the child was, he clearly missed his sister and father. At night he cried even when Terwyn took him to bed with her, during the day he barely wanted to eat. As if it was not hard enough for Terwyn to drag herself through the day, she also had to manage to comfort her child.

Dis did try to help her and took over as many tasks from her as possible so she would have some peace and quiet. It didn't seem to help Terwyn.

Every day Terwyn could see how happy Dis still was with her husband and children. Terwyn was not angry nor did she blame Dis for anything, but it hurt. Jealousy slowly tore her apart, why was she being taken away from a daughter and her husband? Why could another have a happy life? So many questions without answers drove Terwyn mad.

Fortunately, Thorin was still there.

He was not like Frerin and could never take Frerin's place. But he was alive, and he was there when Terwyn needed him, even when she didn't ask him for help. Thorin always stayed near her. This sometimes to the displeasure of King Thror, who again got his doubts about Terwyn and began to think she was bewitched and brought bad luck to his kingdom. Thorin overheard him talking to Thrain about this.

However, he said nothing to Terwyn; he knew that if she heard such a thing she would do something stupid like hurt herself or run away. This would only make everything worse. So the prince stayed with the young woman, watching over her when she had a nightmare, comforting Farryn when Terwyn couldn't handle herself for a while. He brought her food when she didn't want to leave her room. For a year, the prince did everything for her and eventually the pain began to subside too.

Eventually Terwyn learned to cope with her loss and flipped a switch in which she realised that those who were still alive needed her and not in the depressed way she was, but in the lively Terwyn way. The way in which she carried on with her life no matter what. Thus, day by day, she became more independent and could once again take care of herself without Dis or Thorin having to stick around. Farryn too slowly started to become a typical little dwarf child, pulling all kinds of pranks like hiding from his mother, dressing himself up in Teylin's clothes that Terwyn had still kept. He even made Fili or Kili braid his hair, even though it was more in knots than braids.

Terwyn sometimes wanted to lock him up to have some peace and quiet again, but the little guy could still laugh so hard at his own pursuits that she didn't want to stop him. It was good to see her child behaving like a child again. She herself always stayed close to him and also made him promise never to walk through the palace or enter forbidden areas, even if Fili or Kili wanted to play hide and seek. This was one of the few promises little Farryn was supposed to keep. It also pleased Thorin and Dis to see their younger "sister" finding herself again little by little. They could go for walks around the mountain again, enjoy the markets in Dale and sometimes join in trading in Lake City. Little by little they began to form a close-knit family again, they would never be complete again but with or without Frerin they went on with their lives anyway.

It was a warm day for the time of year. Durin's day was really close now. So in Erebor, all preparations were already being made for the feast. Thorin was walking on the tips of his toes; his father and grandfather wanted him to choose a dwarf woman to bond with on Durin's day. The time had come for Thorin to also start thinking about marriage and children. Thorin himself had absolutely no desire for this yet and Terwyn too, of course, thought it ridiculous that his father and grandfather were forcing him to do so. She herself, of course, said nothing. This she dared not to, since Frerin's death King Thror had already watched her enough and any mistake she made was enough for him to look down on her even more.

Thror more and more lived a reclusive life, he often seemed to hide himself. Often stayed in his chambers, sat dreaming on his throne or browsing the treasure chambers among all his gold cups, plates, coins, and diamonds. More and more often he could be found back in the treasure chambers while gazing at all his riches. Terwyn often heard Thorin talking about it to Thrain, who of course then told his son not to meddle in other people's pursuits.

Yet he was right, his grandfather was obsessed with his wealth and that never meant anything good. Not that Terwyn cared much what the king did or what happened to him, he never really cared about her so let alone that she really cared about him.