Philophobia - Thorin Oakenshield - English version

Part 29

Her heart pounded in her throat, her head felt spinning, but the thing that bothered her most was the intense sadness inside.

Again and again she saw Thorin's loathsome gaze, she heard his harsh words echoing in her head, it felt like it would tear her to pieces. She had nothing left, she was exiled, the dwarves feared her or looked down on her for what she was. Soon King Gror too would find out what she was and then she could no longer go there either. She loathed herself, she was a monster! She had better throw herself off the mountain cliff or let herself freeze to death or return to Erebor and hope the dragon gave her a quick death so she could be with Frerin and Teylin if they at least still wanted to see her. All sorts of horrible possible ways to die haunted Terwyn's thoughts.

In the end, she stayed in the mountains for hours. Just until her little son started haunting her mind. What would happen to him? Who would continue to look after him if Terwyn did not return, who would even want to look after him once they knew he had part orc in him? After asking herself the same unsolvable questions over and over again, Terwyn got up anyway and started back towards the Iron Mountains.

They might have banished her, but they couldn't take her son away from her! Although at first she had still been afraid of running into the dwarven company again, there was no sign of them. So Terwyn wandered alone, when she had been walking non-stop towards the Green Forest for about three days she suddenly came across a house. The house stood near the edge of a small forest that still offered some shelter in the large open plains surrounding it. Terwyn had no idea who the house belonged to. Not an elf, for the construction appeared too rough. Not a dwarf, because the house was far too big and stood too far away from the mountains. A human? Alone in the wilderness? Terwyn decided to watch the house some more from the bushes. Surely she could not knock on a wild stranger's door and ask for food and fresh drinking water. Terwyn sat in the bushes peering at the house for hours but she saw no movement, there was no trace of the resident. Possibly he was not at home, looking for food, on an adventure or worse killed by the wandering orcs? It was a shame to let such a large house decay there, though. Gently she walked closer and knocked on the door, just to make sure she wasn't breaking in, she may have been a lone dwarf, but not a burglar!

When no one answered or opened, Terwyn carefully pushed the door open. Although it was three times her size, she still didn't have much trouble getting it to move, she cautiously poked her head inside first, when there was still no one to detect then she opened the door further and walked inside. The cottage looked quite cosy, apart from the fact that everything was far too big for her.

Carefully, Terwyn walked around the house looking for something edible or drinkable. Eventually she found gallons of milk from the cows kept in the stables near the house, honey from the bees buzzing around the hives in the kitchen and some more vegetables that most likely came from the kitchen garden in front of the house. Although Terwyn much preferred eating meat to vegetables, she was convinced it was best not to slaughter animals here.

So she took a big glass of milk and started nibbling on a carrot, just as she was about to put on a stew of vegetables she heard footsteps at the door. Under light creaking, the door suddenly opened, startling Terwyn into dropping the pot of greens. This landed with a bang on the floor fortunately still with the lid on so nothing spilled out of the pot. Terwyn did not look at the pot anymore, however, her eyes were on the gigantic big man who stepped into the cottage and was now also looking at Terwyn, startled.

"Who are you and what do you think you are doing?" Hummed a deep male voice through the house. Terwyn was almost trembling on her legs, this creature was much bigger than a normal man, even bigger than an elf, he could crush him with one stroke of his hand.

"Answer!" Demanded the man when Terwyn made no attempt to speak.

"I am Terwyn, Dwarven woman from Erebor lord." She then spoke in a trembling voice. The man looked at her in surprise for a moment.

"Erebor, that mountain has long been taken by a dragon." He then replied. Terwyn nodded cautiously, as if any movement she made would prompt him to crush her. "I...I was exiled and had been wandering around for a while, I was just a bit hungry and thirsty, I thought the owner of this house was possibly attacked by orcs and no longer lived here, I'm sorry!"

The man looked at her strangely at her.

"No ork can kill me!" He said.

Terwyn nodded hard "That...I like to believe that." She admitted honestly.

"I'd better go, I'd pay you for your services, but as I said I have nothing." Mumbled the young woman cautiously as she made preparations to walk away.

"Wait!" Said the man shortly causing Terwyn to tremble again.

"You were cooking." The man spoke after which Terwyn nodded.

"Go on, make me some food too, just make sure you don't get in my way." He muttered causing Terwyn to look at him incredulously.

"Come on!" He said hastily causing her to move quickly again and pick up her pot and hang it over the fire.

"Thank you sir, what may I call you?" She asked when her pot was hanging securely.

"Beorn, my name is Beorn." Spoke the man, Terwyn bowed her head at this as a sign of respect.

"Nice name, thank you very much Beorn." So she said after which she silently continued cooking. When everything was ready, she silently prepared a bowl for Beorn, though he did not eat at the table but took his portion to eat among the animals while caring for and feeding them. He was not used to having guests on the floor and was therefore not an optimal conversation partner.

Why he let a dwarf like Terwyn stay? He wasn't so sure himself, but possibly he felt sorry for her. A young woman alone, exiled in the wilderness. Possibly he was just happy to see someone else. He had been alone for years, he was the last man of his kind. Half bear, half man. A skin-changer. His kind had been used as slaves for years, captured by orcs and other dark creatures, Beorn was the only one who ever managed to escape.

So he knew how dangerous it was to wander around alone in these times. He might not be a very social creature, but he was not heartless either and did not want a dead dwarf woman on his conscience.

When Terwyn finished eating, she tidied everything up again, thanked Beorn again and suggested she leave, Beorn stopped her, however. He warned her that there were orcs roaming everywhere and that it would be better for her to stay inside and sleep. Terwyn herself was not so sure if that was a good idea, soon he would tie her up in her sleep and roast her over the fireplace. Beorn seemed to see through her insecurities and assured her that he only wanted to protect her from the orcs.

This made Terwyn feel even worse, after all, she was largely an orc. Consequently, without being able to hold back any longer, Terwyn broke into tears, causing Beorn to look at her strangely.

In all the emotion of the moment, Terwyn began to confess everything, who she was, why she had been exiled. How she recently discovered she was not a full dwarf, how she had actually been born half-orc from an abused dwarf woman. How she loathed herself, everything came out like a waterfall. The thoughts she had been trying to push away for days overflowed in her head. Finally, she sat there sobbing for some time until Beorn began to speak.

He told her why he hated orcs so much, he told her about how they cornered and captured his entire people, how they were tortured and used as slaves.

"Most of my people were tortured so hard they were brainwashed, they worked for the orcs and fought in wars with orcs, they forgot who they were. I escaped, they couldn't break me. Our past doesn't have to define us, we choose who we are and what we do." Beorn ended his story causing Terwyn to stop sobbing and now also drying her tears.

Beorn was right. She had acted like a dwarf all her life and had never wanted to harm anyone, she was not to be judged for what she was, she was to be judged for how she behaved and there was nothing wrong with that. So Terwyn stayed with Beorn for the night. So by the next morning, she had arranged for a sumptuous breakfast, which Beorn, silent as he was, did appreciate.