A Witches Grimoir

chapter 19: in the dark of night

october 20th 2022

20 days, it had been 20 days since me and Amy left town. 20 days since my life fell down the rabbit hole of destruction. 3 days on the road, 3 days mesmering motel staff into thinking we paid them with pieces of bark that i had disguised to look like money. Sure i felt bad, sure it was wrong, but it was for a good cause. They had no idea that the end of their human world could be happening. Right under their noses. Brewing, shifting in the form of two teenage witches who are just trying to prove they're not crazy.

My mind keeps wandering back to the people i may have killed back in the lab. I am astonished that i could possibly do that. What could i have possibly told myself at the time to think that they were any less than me? I guess i convinced myself that they weren't as smart as me, or they were some kind of robots. Or maybe i convinced myself it never happened in the first place.

 Now, however, it's all resurfacing again. Everything I've done to save my skin and every moral code i have broken is bubbling up to wreak havoc on my mind. I have always had a very self destructive mind. Nobody ever really does anything bad to me, nobody ever really judges me, i think they do and i judge myself. Maybe that's why i loved Amy so much, because she embraced everything i wanted to exterminate absolutely.

Maybe that's why i'm so compelled to leave Evee here, lying in the motel bed. Do you ever have that feeling? where your body is itching to do something but your mind is undecided, the anticipation of doing something you're not convinced you should do? That's this. Maybe all the overthinking i did, lying on the couch through the majority of the night has left me drunk on my own thoughts.

I watch as she snores slightly, lying in a heap of blankets. I clutched the 'money' in my hands that i had gathered from the woods, placing them on the coffee table in front of the square, boxed tv. I felt horrible that i was even considering leaving her after she ran from basically her whole current life to help me escape. But if there's anything i have learned from my own mind, and from the past 20 days, its that i'm unreliable, my life right now is unreliable. I find that i have been trying to avoid thinking about everything that has happened recently, i have been distracting myself with little, or big, things to take my mind off the harsh reality. And Evee was a good person, she didn't need me ruining her career, possibly her life. I had to leave, for her, i had to leave.

i took my wand, and stepped out of the door, setting along the sun against the inky black sky.