something missing..(G!p X Girl)

15. disappointed.

"And she told me...to go back.
Go back to the life I had in California, get my job back. Because that was where I wanted to be."

"Are you going to?"

becky didn't know what she wanted... she doesn't has any reason to stay, maybe running away to L.A best option for her, at least she doesn't has to see freen moving on with her life and find...someone else ... someone better than her...

There was a time when she would have said yes.... she wouldn't have felt bad about leaving freen in Illinois to have her own life if they didn't have a baby to consider.

freen would be happy, and becky could be happy in California...
she had been happy in Los Angeles, making a name for herself, earning the kind of money that even now almost made her stomach twist in envy.

But when she looked back at the girl she had been, becky just felt grief. In California she'd had so much; she'd had everything... everything becky had ever wanted, and systematically, deliberately, she had broken it all.

becky had broken her wife's trust and her belief in herself.

she could do the work.. she could bring many girls to her bed at night to keep her warm, just the way freen had tauntingly reminded her And she would fall right back into that life like she had never left it.

The atmosphere, her coworkers, the fast pace and the lifestyle that came along with it... she wasn't sure how long she would stay clean without her wife's disapproval in the back of her mind, or how long it would take for her to drown her sorrows in a bottle of scotch...and then wake up with her car wrapped around a bridge rail, if she woke at all.

How long it would be before she got high and made an even worse decision than the ones she had already made, knowing in the back of her mind that the one person who could ever make her happy was lost to her forever.

becky didn't want to be that girl again.

And she wished, with all her heart, that she could take it all back, every single thing she had done that had hurt freen.

becky shook her head.
"I won't go back," she said.
"The person I turned into out there, that shitty girl wasn't me...This person who... God."
she ran her fingers through her hair. "I never, never thought I'd ever...drive drunk, that I'd ever even think about cheating on my wife, that I'd... take drugs. Not just try them, not just once, but...need them, to get through the work. Need them."

You're a fucking drug addict, and you always will be.

becky swallowed against her aching throat when she remembered what her wife said, tears pricking in her eyes again.
"I thought I'd hit the bottom, the end,"
she whispered hoarsely.
"I thought things could only get better. And then...today happened."

becky wiped at her streaming eyes.

"I need her back," she whispered. "I don't deserve her. I don't. I've been blaming everyone and everything else, and I've been defensive and angry whenever she's brought it up...she kept telling me that I had turned into a person she didn't know anymore. I... I just can't believe how easy it all was, how it felt. I always thought it was just one choice, but it's a choice every day, over and over..."