Newtmas Oneshots/Prompts!

8.) Fear is the real enemy

"Do something everyday that scares you"----- Quote Suggestion from  Thegreenflamingo

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Thomas's POV

There are some things I wish I could have done, but didn't.

I think that goes for everybody. Everybody has wished they had did something or said something in their lifetime.

Always wondering what if. Always knowing that if fear hadn't got in the way, you would've had a chance at being happy.

Doubts, fear, and insecurities are what makes those what ifs.

It's what keeps you up at night when you're too restless to sleep. It's what drives you insane because your what ifs are shouting at you in your own head like they're, their own voices, telling you what you should've done.

He will always be my biggest what if.Saving him is what I should've done, but I didn't realize it at the time.
 

**********************************Flashback***********************************************

It was a beautiful day. May 18th, the day that will always haunt me for the rest of my life.

A day where I was so oblivious on how the world was going to fuck us over today.

It started out normal. Woke up late, rushed to  get ready and eat breakfast, and said  goodbye to my mother before heading to The Glade High School to meet my friends.

It was all normal until 5th period, English. The only reason why i loved  English class so much was because I got to see him.

The beautiful blonde angel called Newt. I had a massive crush on him every since we worked on a project 2 years ago.

We're not close, but I wished we were. I wished I had the nerve to talk to him.  We sometimes talk to each other but it's always about class.
He is more of a loner and only hangs out with his friend Alby.

I've never got the courage to ask him if he wanted to hang out or ask him out.Something was wrong with him today.

He walked into the room with a black eye and his limp was more worse, but what really felt like a knife to the heart was how dead he looked.

This isn't the first time I saw him hurt like this. I would always ask if he was okay and he would apply with I'm fine Tommy and genuinely smile back at me. He looked like hope, like he still had hope.

But today he looked like he gave up on anything. He looked like he had no life in him. i tried to get his attention when he sat next to me, but he wouldn't look at me or talk to me no matter how hard I tried.

When the period ended he rushed out the room, but he looked back at me for a slight second and  I could read every emotion in his eyes. It looked like he was saying  a bitter-sweet goodbye.

I didn't understand.

I followed him out of the school. I yelled his name but he didn't stop, he just jumped into his car and speed out of the school parking lot.

Something told me to follow him. Everything inside me was screaming to follow him, so I did.

I lost his car when he drove in the forest. I didn't know where to go.

I eventually found him, but it was too late. He jumped off the cliff  into the water at the edge of the forest when I just got there.

I ran to the edge as quick as I could. I couldn't see him so i made a quick decision without thinking about my fear of heights and jumped into the water.

Cliff diving wasn't rare here. Mostly everybody has done it  once when they were wild teenagers.

I found his body and quickly pulled him to shore.

I tried CPR ,but he didn't wake up.

I tried... I tried but nothing work.

I was too late. I screamed and sobbed at him to wake up. I  screamed that I had feelings for him, that he couldn't do this to me.

I didn't care if he didn't return my feelings, I just wanted him to wake up.

I wanted to see his smile one more time.

I wanted him to call me Tommy one last time.

I wanted so many things that could never happen because he was gone.

**************************************Flashback ended*******************************

He will always be my biggest what if because if I never had let fear get in the way , I could have saved him.

I could have had a chance to save him from killing himself.

My biggest fear was talking to him and asking him out which now seems so insignificant and stupid because it was silly compared to this pain of his death and the what if he has left me with.

It was a suicide. He killed himself and I was the one who couldn't revive him.

No one blamed me, but I blamed myself.

Maybe, if i had done the thing that scared me the most and took a chance, I could've saved him.

I could've been there for him at his lowest moments. I could've been the one to give him hope.

But I wasn't because I let fear be my worst enemy.

Enjoy! This made me sad while writing it. I hope I did a good job. Please vote and comment! :)