Newtmas Oneshots/Prompts!

20.) Lunatic

Again if you want me to make a oneshot based off one word of your choice comment below. This is dedicated to RavenHowl because they're  great and was the one who suggested this word :) Enjoy!

Dear Newt,

I know I'm stupid or simply crazy for writing this letter to a dead person. I've always been better at showing my emotions through actions not words. But you're gone and I can't prove anything through my actions to you anymore.  I can't stop thinking of you, what I did, what you almost became and you begging me to do it. To make sure you didn't lose your mind and become a monster and it's kind of ironic because that's what I became. After you, I lost myself, I lost my own mind. You still haunt me. Everytime I close my eyes in Paradise I feel the cold metal of the gun pressed to my hand, the ringing in my ears from the sound of the gun shot, the blood... you. You constantly fill my thoughts. All I think about is you, what would you do if you were here? Are you happy wherever you are? Did I do the right thing?  Sometimes I imagine that you will come through the door and call me Tommy and smile that beautiful smile that always made my insides jump. I sometimes see you just standing every corner I turn before you disappear again like you were never there and you wasn't. I don't feel anything anymore. It's like I'm empty and I barely smile anymore. Why would I smile if there isn't any you and I know it's my fault. Sometimes I wish it was me behind that gun and it sounds so tempting... so easy to give it up now and listen to my demons that whisper just do it. But I can't even stand the sight of a gun or even touch one anymore because I see you and the damage that it caused both of us and  I just can't. I wish you were here, but that would be selfish wouldn't it? I just... I can't learn how to feel again because you took everything with you when you begged for your fate. I'll carry on for you but I'm not the same anymore, I'm not your Tommy anymore. You took him with you and with the last bit of sanity I have left I can tell you I love you.

                                                                                                                                 

Okay I know this wasn't that good but I tried. I hope it was at least well. Thanks for reading! Please comment/Vote! xox