The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

15 | Ladder Song

"See now a star bursts, looks just like a blood orange. Don't it just make you wanna cry, precious friend of mine" - Ladder Song

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Kris has been smiling way too much. It's been three days since our whole nurse's office fiasco and I had officially decided to give her a chance, meaning I had three more days to give her an answer. Honestly, the odds do not look like they are in her favor right now, so I have no idea why she is smiling.

Probably because you're going to wrongfully turn her down. If I don't want to date her, then I don't want to date her. Here's the thing though; you do want to date her. And how exactly do you know that? Because I am you, and I definitely know what I want. I really wish that you would stop saying that. I really wish that you would just accept it.

"And how are all of my beautiful friends today?" Here comes the crazy lady now.

Bella and Zoё just rolled their eyes in amusement while the twins clung to each other with scared expressions. I on the other hand just continued to eat my beautifully crafted sandwich.

"Fine...?" Jasper answered slowly, and Adam shook his head.

"I think that what he means to ask is, "What are you smoking?". Because you look higher than a kite, and the only thing that can naturally make you that happy is free Sebastio's and I don't see any of that around." Adam corrected for his brother.

Kris glanced over at me with a smirk. "No, I think that there are other things that can make me pretty happy."

I think that this is the reason that I don't want to tell Kris "yes". She is much too confident for me. She's always so sure of everything and way too forward. Someone like me definitely won't go well with someone like her.

I am the most self-doubting, inverted human being that I know and I know a lot of self-doubting, inverted human beings. When I tell her no on Saturday, it will be better for her. She will go back to being her and I will go back to being me.

I find it a bit weird that I've started caring about how Kris ends up or whether she's happy, but after her saving me from that sedative I owed this to her. She's proved herself to be a good friend, someone that I want to be around. But that was all I wanted her to be, a friend.

"Come on Kris," Adam whined, and Jasper nodded his head repeatedly.

"Yeah, we won't tell your drug dealer's secret."

Kris just ignored them and turned her head to look at me. I squirmed in my seat uncomfortably and tried to turn my attention to my food. It didn't help that she was sitting next to me and the cafeteria seats were not designed with personal space in mind. My stomach was starting to flip again, but only a little bit because it was Kris and my subconscious knew there was no need to panic.

I sighed angrily at myself and balled my hands into a fist. I don't want my body to be used to some girl that we just met. As inconvenient as it could be sometimes, my body's self-destruct mechanism is what keeps me safe from other people. Practically dying in front of someone scares them away.

Apparently not everyone though.

"Adri..." I thought that we'd established that talking to me calmly wasn't going to fix anything.

I shook my head agitated, and waved her away. I could already feel a headache creeping up, and I didn't want her to make it worse.

"Look, Adri I'm-"

"Kris just leave me alone." I muttered, turning back to my lunch.

And for once, Kris didn't say anything. In fact, she did what I wanted and switched seats with Bella, who I was previously sitting the furthest from at the table. Bella didn't question it and just started a conversation with me. I didn't mind that, I know that I didn't mind, but my stomach still twisted and turned.