The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

1 | Team

"I don't ever think about death (It's alright if you do, it's fine)"  -  Team

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"You're going to do great Adri," Cole reassured me, as he continued driving to my grav-, I mean, new high school.

I gave him a slight eye roll and a half-heard groan in agreement. Come on Cole, if school #2 wasn't "perfect", and school #3 wasn't "the one", why in the world would anyone believe that I am "going to do great" in school #4?

Even when he pulled into the parking lot, this school looked like schools 1-3. It had the same old bricks, the same old double doors, and the same old courtyard. I even still got that same old homophobic vibe. I think that the only thing that was different about this school was the name. Hankston High School, Home of the Mighty Tigers. Whoop. Dee. Do.

"You'll like it here, I swear." He said for about the 1000th time, and I opened my mouth to retort for the 1000th time, but today he cut me off. "Don't even start. Let's go." His voice was stern, but he also gave me a playful glare. It was the kind of combination that only he could pull off.  As he exited the car, I sighed and threw my head back against my seat.

Don't cry, don't panic, don't look, call Cole, and stay awake.

We're good? We're good. Don't leave me today, promise you'll stay. I promise. Okay. Okay.

Cole waited patiently outside my door as I finished my conversation, and I refused to meet his eyes as I got out of the car. I could feel him trying his best not to give me a look. Any kind of look: A sympathetic one, a judgmental one, or one of disgust. But did it matter which one he gave me?

They all just mean that he doesn't understand.  

He closed my door behind me and we began walking towards the entrance of the school. Once we were inside, this huge smile appeared on Cole's face and he looked around like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time. He still believes in me, which is thoroughly confusing, but I try not to question it too much. The fact that he even still sticks around after so long is confusing enough. Maybe he just wants to get close to me, and then leave me without saying anything or even leaving a note. That'll be kind of bad, but it will probably be his way of making a big exit.

I kind of like big exits.

He looked down at me to check my facial expression and I thought that the least I can do is pretend. Truthfully, at the moment there is war going on inside of my body that is driving me crazy and is just dying for a bigger battleground and my lungs are all ready with the knife to cut it out of me because that little war is taking up a lot of breathing room and unlike me, my lungs have shown great interest in breathing. But Cole doesn't need to know that. He doesn't need to know any part of that.

So I smiled.

Soon enough we find the main office, and Cole happily walks up to the front desk.

"Hi, this is my little sister, Adrianna Petersons. She's a new junior, so she'll need her schedule." Every few words he spoke, he looked over his shoulder, making sure I hadn't run away. Most days, I would have at least attempted, but this obviously means a lot to him and today I love him enough to try.

Eventually, the receptionist, Mrs. Ryann (she is an annoyingly nice old lady), found my schedule and handed it to Cole. He thanked her a thousand times over as he clutched it in his hands. He acts as if this is the last time this is going to happen, which is stupid. After this school goes straight to hell, we'll just go to another. Calm down, Cole.

He handed me my schedule with a big smile, and then bent down to kiss the top of my forehead.

"I love you." He whispered gently.

"Then don't go." I countered immediately, and he shot me a look back.

"Call me if you seriously need anything."

"I seriously need to go home."

"Adrianna."

"Cole."

"I'll be here at 3:30 sharp."

"Don't go."

"Did you take your meds?"

"You know I did."

"Then I'm going. Bye Adri."

"I hate you."

"You don't."

"I will if you walk out of that door."

"Adri."

"Whatever."

And then I was alone in the hallway, with a desperate urge to run. But I know I can't because Cole will literally chain me to him once he finds me. Again. I think that him doing it once is more than enough for me.

You can do this. I think that all of the meds went to you today, you're way too confident. Well, that's what they're here for; to fix me. Well, who's going to fix me? I have no idea.

I took the last few steps and then stood in front of the door of my first-period class. The door looks like it is 3000 feet tall and weighs about 5,000 pounds. That should be reason enough to not open the door right? I mean if I touch the door, then it will lose its balance and it will fall over, then either I or everyone inside of the room will die. And that's a bad thing. Death is a bad thing.

Right?

Breathe.

I made my way to the front of the classroom and willed myself to calm my heartbeat. I am not a big fan of needles, or brown paper bags, or passing out, or hospitals. I really don't like hospitals.

Apparently, my heartbeat finds hospitals pretty terrifying too because I can't hear it anymore.

"This is our new student Adrianna. Adrianna, you can sit next to Claire. Claire, raise your hand."

I call dibs. She can't even hear you. She'll still like me more than anybody will ever like you. Ouch. If you think that was mean, you've got a long day ahead of you sweetheart.