The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

5 | The Louvre

"I am your sweetheart, psychopathic crush" - The Louvre

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I really don't like getting into cars with strangers. It's the one thing they tell you not to do as a kid that you actually shouldn't do.

But if you are going to get into a car with a stranger, because you're crazy and haven't taken your 3:00-5:00 PM meds, then at least try to pre-determine if this stranger is a good driver or not. You wouldn't want to get caught up in two bad situations.

If you would've just ran a little faster, we wouldn't have this problem. If you weren't so afraid of crowds, I could run faster. You're the one who's afraid of crowds. We're the one who are afraid of crowds. If I had my meds, this discussion wouldn't be happening.

"Why are you holding on to your seatbelt so tightly? I'm not driving that fast." Kris asked as if she doesn't know that she's going 50 over the speed limit. Can she not see the little needle in front of her? I'm the one who doesn't like needles here, not her. And even if she can't see it, I'm pretty sure that she can hear the cars honking behind us.

For once in my life, I can't wait to get to a stranger's house.

"What kind of movies do you like?" She looked over at me as she asked her question and I looked over at the red light in anticipation. Excuse me Mr. Light, but may please change green please so that the crazy stalker will stop staring at me? Thank you.

"I don't have a preference." I hope that didn't come out as lame because that would be tragic.

She smiled at me, and I let out a small breath. Good, I'm not lame yet.

"That's fine, I've got all kinds of movies, so you can figure out your preference tonight. " What is she talking about? We'll be lucky if I even make it through the front door of her house. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves and think about me staying for multiple movies.

It's because she doesn't know you, and I for one, would like to keep it that way. Why are you so obsessed with her; she's not even that pretty. For many reasons. Hit me. Well for one, she annoys you. Wow, aren't you the sweetest? Baby doll, I invented sarcasm; and two, I get good energy from her. Good for both of us, or just you? For both of us, maybe she's the one.

"What's so funny?" She is amused. Not disturbed or anything, but amused.

"Just thinking about an old joke." And don't ask me to tell you it because I don't know any good jokes and then you'll think I'm a liar. I don't want to be a liar anymore.

That's so two schools ago.

She didn't ask about the joke. She just kept her amused expression as she continued driving (if that's what you can even call it).

Cole: Remember, just text me.

Me: Have faith.

Cole: I do, I always have.

Me: Even when I purposely set the kitchen on fire? You still had faith that I could be normal?

Cole: You've never been normal, and I've never wanted you to be. You've always been my special little sister and I wouldn't have it any other way. You're 10 times better than all of the other normal little sisters in the world.

I smiled. I think that's what he wanted me to do. I'm not saying that I smiled just to make him happy (because according to my ex-therapist "that's not the way to live life". I never liked that lady. That's why I bit her). But now two people are happy. And that's good.

"And we have arrived!" Great. Where's the graveyard?

As I unbuckled my seatbelt and began to get out of the car, my nerves started to act up and it didn't seem like there was anything I could do to stop them at the moment. Even though I predicted this happening 10 miles ago, I'm still a little disappointed in my body's choice of action.

My conscious desperately wants to walk through that door because believe it or not, I want to get better. I want to prove the voices wrong and make Cole proud. But human interaction will never be a walk in the park for me. It will forever be a hardship.

Especially since those voices are always going to be there to hold me back.

"Oh great! You guys are here!" No thanks to Kris's driving. I need to remind myself to make a call to the Department of Driving later.

I am happy that Bella pulled me inside the house because if she didn't I probably would've ended up never coming inside.

Kris has a pretty nice house for a stalker. I expected for there to be spy equipment lying around and pictures of former new girls hanging from the ceilings like Christmas lights. I guess she's keeping all of that down in her basement.

"So Kris has a movie room, where Zoë is deciding what movie we're going to watch. Jasper and Adam are in the kitchen grabbing snacks." Bella explained as she pulled me into what I assume is the movie room.

"We are going to get wasted," Kris commented with a smirk in her voice from behind us.

Bella turned around and shot Kris a small glare, before turning to me and giving me an apologetic smile.

"Chocolate wasted." Bella corrected shyly and then shot Kris one more glare.

"I don't know Bells. What if I meant that we should actually get wasted tonight?" In that case Kris, you'd be having your own little party. My medication plus alcohol equals a big no-no. Besides, we're underage and it's illegal; you shouldn't do illegal things.

This message has been provided to you by the National Community of Psychopaths.

Do you think that if we don't drink, they'll think that we're not cool or something? Well, look who's being insecure now. Shut up, if nothing was wrong with you, then I wouldn't have a reason to be insecure. You know, you're the one who's not supposed to be here. Please, no one wants you here; I'm the only likable thing about you.

"Kris you're going to scare Adrianna away." Oh no, trust me when I say that it is a little too late for that. That ship set sail about 6 hours ago.

"Zoë what are you talking about? Adri loves me." She has the definitions for "love" and "hate" mixed up in that crazy little head of hers. Someone should introduce her to a dictionary.

"Adri do you want to sit next to me?" Quite the opposite. I would like to sit as far away as possible from you.

"Your feast has arrived!" Jasper and Adam walked into the room, their arms overflowing with all kinds of snacks and drinks.

They walked over to the table that sat in the middle of the room and dumped everything in their arms on top of it. Diabetes in the flesh is standing right in front of me, and boy does she look delicious. 

Honestly, I never really ate a ton of sweets when I was younger or really anything for that matter. Not in an anorexic way, in an I-forgot-to-eat-today kind of way. Whenever I think about eating, no red emergency lights go off in my head, like the ones that go off when I think of my medication.

When I think about my medication, I see ambulances, fire trucks, the entire police department, a SWAT team, and the army. There is complete and utter chaos in my brain at just the mere mention of that one word. If there is one thing that my brain liked, it was feeling numb.

That's its favorite pastime; feeling numb even ranks higher than making my life miserable. I've never really minded because it's not too bad a state to be in. No one can hurt you, or be mean to you and it's free admittance into the National Committee of Psychopaths. It isn't too bad of a life to live.

"Are you ready to watch the greatest movie in the history of movies Adri?"

How did we end up sitting next to her? You weren't paying attention, so I just kind of moved us here. You're not supposed to do that; this is my body. Our body. You can't do that anymore. Did you just tell me that I can't do something? Yes, I did. Get ready for the night of your life Ms. Petersons; you just bought yourself a one-way ticket to Hell. Please, I'm not scared of you; I've been saving up for that ticket since I was nine.

"Absolutely."

I don't want to touch her; what are you doing? Just sit back and relax sweetheart;

This is going to be a long night.