Funny little thing called life

Chapter 19

Days turn to weeks and Charlie and I are still in the everything is exciting stage. I had worried that once we became official things might have gotten with the 3 of us in the house, but so far so good. I awake every morning with a bounce in my step looking forward to what life has to offer and I continue to see Rachel regulary.
In our loved up state the only thing that I haven't gotten to grips with is the physical side of our relationship. Now I cannot fault Charlie one bit; he has been kind and patient with me. We got close a few times over the past few weeks but I stopped before it went all the way. One night when he climbed on top on me I burst into tears and cried myself to sleep in his arms. I could tell by his face that night that it had sunk in just how complicated my situation could be. I apologised profusely but he insisted I stop saying sorry. His mantra seems to be "I won't rush you; not now,not ever"
And I appreciate it truly, but I can't help but feel so frustrated with myself. I know I want to be with him in every way but there is still huge anxiety attached to the idea of giving myself to him. I will discuss this with Rachel when I see her at our next meeting. I think to myself I don't care what I have to do I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my body and to be able to express myself to Charlie and the world. I want to know how to tear down this wall that I have spent years building up.
*****
I wake up and it's still dark out. Clock says 5am. Charlie and I have gone our separate ways in the bed and he is snoring lightly. I don't want to disturb him so I quietly sneak out of the bed,grab a gown and head to the kitchen. I make myself a cup of tea and sit by the window."Raining again" I sigh aloud; I still love the rain but I will admit it does get a bit much sometimes. My appointment with Rachel is later today and I'm going to tell her about Charlie's place in my life. Greg was right she is very good. She is always challenging me and her contrasting opinions of things helps broaden my persective on life. My mind goes through all scenarios of me telling her about Charlie. I tell myself that everything will be ok. The dawn comes as I'm about to start my second cup of tea. I enjoy watching the start of a new day; whereas before I would have hid until the duvet til noon. I sit silently watching the rain slowly cease and the sun tries desperately to come out. I enjoy life so much more with Charlie in it, makes getting up worthwhile.
I finish the tea and head back to bed for a few hours more sleep. I try to be careful not to wake him up. Just when I thought I successfully completed my mission,Charlie turns over and asks," You ok babe?"
"I'm good, go back to sleep it's early"
"Yes ma'am" he says while snuggling into my back. Just as I'm drifting off to sleep I feel a kiss on the back of my neck.
When I wake up again it's a little after 9. Charlie is gone but Mickey is in his place. A note is attached:

Good morning baby,
you looked so peaceful didn't want to wake you. Mickey is in charge of your well being in my absence. Hope your session with Rachel goes well. Should be home early this eveining, maybe we can do something.
I love you
C
XXX
I read the note a few more times and roll over with a big stupid grin on my face. I give Mickey a hug. I lay there for a little while day dreaming of all the things I want to do with Charlie, all the places I want to see. For the first time in my life I welcome the future because it has Charlie in it. I get out of bed just before 10 and start getting ready to go see Rachel. I can definitely feel such an improvement in myself since meeting her. When I start talking to her I find that I cannot stop. Once that door is opened it won't close. I thought that she would be strict with me and keep me on track but when I do wander off topic she says your mind has taken you here, allow it and reflect on it. She has the ability to get me to places ,resolve things by myself as she puts it I have the answers I just need to believe in them.
I have needed a cry after a few sessions and we have butted heads also but we have resolved those issues swiftly. I know that those things will happen from time to time and I know in the long run it will help.
I arrive at Rachel's at 12. Valerie greets me with her usual enthuasiam. I return her greeting and take a seat.
"Ali Foster" Rachel calls.
Ok here goes
Usually to get home from Rachel's it takes a 10 minute tube ride but today I walked home. I am so angry right now I just need to walk it off, this head of steam. I walk and walk. My feet are starting to hurt but my stubborness won't allow me to sit down for a minute. I eventually reach home , walk up the stairs and make it to the door. I throw my bag on the ground as I enter the hallway. The bag flies halfway across the room.
"Whoa there girlie, what did that bag ever do to you?" Greg said.
"Not in the mood!" I snap back at him