Funny little thing called life

Chapter 25

When I come home it's late. I throw my bag on the couch and head to the bedroom. I find Charlie asleep on the bed. He is still dressed in his day clothes and sleeping atop the covers. He looks so tired. I lay on the bed on my side next to him and take a good look at him. 

I can hear the words from the lady at the garden centre in my head and smile because she is right. I am scared, so scared. I'm scared that I will lose him. But here he is asleep in our bed, in our home. He is mine and I am his. I let this wave of happiness flow through me and lay there looking at this wonderful man. Soon, I can feel tiredness overtake me and as I allow it to I whisper "Goodnight baby, I love you" and as the last of my awareness of the world fades I swear I hear, "Sleep well my love"

I awaken to an empty bed. I sit up, still more asleep then awake. I hear the shower running so I decide to make some breakfast. About 20 minutes or so later Charlie emerges from the bedroom. "Good morning" I try to say as cheerfully as I can muster this early in the morning, "Morning". 

"Hope you are hungry". He smiles and grabs some bacon and scrambled eggs. "Thanks Babe".  "Well it's the least I can do for being such a mope around the place lately". He slams his fork on the plate; "Don't put yourself down, you know it's not true" I hadn't expected that reaction, I raise my hand to say wait and say "I didn't mean it like that I swear"

I walk over to him and put my hand to his face and smile weakly. "I know" he says sighing and allows his head to ease into my hand.

"What do you know?" eyebrows raising. "I know I have pushed you to the brink, I have time and time again thrown all the love and support you have given me right back at you. I love you, I fucking adore you...I just get so scared of losing you, losing us...losing myself. I don't want to lose you. Tears flowing freely down as my fears yet again rise to the surface. Charlie stands up and I raise my hand to stop him. I turn away and I try to take some deep breaths, trying to regain my composure. When I turn back to him, he is standing closer to me, saying nothing but looking worried while trying to inch forward to me but is stopped by his apprehension.

"Charlie I want to be the woman you deserve, I want to be your partner, I want to be..."

"What about what I want?" he interrupts.  "Wha...what what do you want?" I ask shakily., waiting for him to strike the final blow in our relationship. It must be because if I were him I would have done it long ago. I wouldn't have put up with this shit. Everyone has their limit. He takes a breath and begins...Oh shit here it is.

He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again. He wipes some tears from my face and brushes hair behind my ear, still scanning my face he starts; "I love you, I always have Ali. My love for you was never in question"

I take a big breath out when I realise I have been holding it in waiting to hear what was being said. "But..."

But? But? Oh God there is a but!

"You don't love you. I worry that I won't be enough for you. I try but what if you realise I'm not what you want, I want you now, forever. Just stop doubting yourself. It hurts me to see you like this. Ali you need to ask yourself do you really want to be with me? Be honest". 

I step back. Not sure how to comprehend what I'm hearing. My doubting is causing him doubt. What the hell am I doing? I hate hurting him, he is my everything and my anxiety might  push him away, doing the absolute one thing I never want to do. I need to stop thinking of the what if's and the whys and live. Live in the now with the love of my life.

"It's so hard Charlie, some days I feel like I can take on the world and others I just...I just want it all to end. You are the reason I see brightness in the world, I don't want to lose you. You are the only hope for me"