Funny little thing called life

Chapter 21

I wake up after a restless night. Too many thoughts in my head all conflicting the other. I tell myself to shut up and clear all thoughts away.  I stay in bed looking at the ceiling for answers and I try to objectively think about yesterday and Rachel's words. While the negative thoughts are quick to rise to the surface I try to not block them out but allow a more sensible thinking take over.
I realise that at some point I need to sit down with Charlie and discuss some issues and every time I try to convince myself to get up and speak with him the doubt creeps in again.
After what feels like hours I get up, have a shower, brush my teeth and prepare for the day, unsure as to where it will lead me but I know that I need to deal with things.
I head out into the living room and find that I am alone. I decide to go for a walk to prepare myself for the conversation I am dreading.
I arrive home feeling more determined that I will speak with Charlie and everything will be fine. As I reach the kitchen Charlie appears from the bedroom and stops dead in  his tracks. He looks like an animal in the headlights. Off to a great start I say to myself. "Can we talk?" I ask. " Of course we can" he responds with a kind smile.
I sit Charlie down and go through everything that happened yesterday. I can see worry creep across his face but he says nothing, letting me say my piece. When I finish speaking I feel relieved, glad to have it off my chest. Glad to have my feelings out but now also worried about what Charlie's response will be because I have no idea if he will agree with Rachel and call this whole thing off.
He sits back onto the couch silently and is mulling everything I said over. I don't want to rush him but I desperately want to scream"just tell me" at him. Eventually he turns to face me. I think his face looks gloomy and to be honest I am expecting the worst. I feel a lump in my throat and can feel the tears behind my eyes ready to appear with the bad news that Charlie will soon deliver to me. I cannot wait any longer so I start; "Please Charlie, just say it. I'm a big girl and I won't hold anything against you. I promise."
"Ali..." he starts but I interrupt again, "Charlie the smartest thing for the both of us is for me to head back to the states and just move on with our lives". My anxiety is starting to rise like the time he put me in front of the mirror. My mind has gone back to that negative headspace so much so that my self doubt is laughing at me.
I cannot take sitting there anymore and make a move to stand up when Charlie has grabs my wrists. "Ali sit down, please". Emotions are starting to take over and are mere seconds away from making an appearance. I just want this moment to end because once he says what he says there is no going back. If we must part then let it be quick.
"Charlie..."
"Ali just stop, it's my turn to talk"
I say nothing knowing that if I did the tears would flow, so I simply nod.
" I get that Rachel has doubts, it's her job to see everything like that. I get that she is worried... but I'm not"
"You aren't worried?" I ask shakily.
He shakes he head and continues, " I have no doubt that you and I are great together. If things were to become difficult then we can deal with it together... but I need you to believe it too Ali. Life is worth living with you in my life. You give me strength. I feel that in my heart and soul. I think that I am that for you too. Maybe down the line we do break up,that won't mean that this ,us, was a mistake. Loving you the way I do can never be a mistake. I will never regret this time with you... how could I? You make me feel alive.
I won't force you to stay, if you want to leave that choice is yours to make but please make sure that you really think this through. I want you to understand that just because things get tough it doesn't mean that I will leave or that we can't survive. I need you to believe in us the way I do because from where I am there is nothing that you and I can't  survive. You don't have to give me an answer this second, take your time darlin'".
"Oh Charlie, I know my answer I needed to hear yours.
"And?"
"Come with me please" I say
We walk into my room and I walk right up to the mirror. Charlie stands behind me. I look intensely at myself then say, "Do you still want to know what's I see?"
He rests his head on my shoulder and says,"Always"
"I see a girl who has lost too much too young. A girl that has had to grow up too soon, a girl who has built up walls just to survive. I see someone who is headstrong, irrational, vulnerable and cautious and many other things. But even with the difficult early years I see a girl who has a family that love her, who has fought for what's she has and earned it all... But I got scared Charlie. Scared that I will never be normal, never be the prettiest,smartest person...and that's OK. That is  because I get it now, the fear part. I know now why I let it take me over for so long; because it buried a part of me I thought was long gone. After  my family I never thought I would be able to feel again. To be able to say I love you to someone and genuinely mean it. That was a long lost dream for me. Love was the part that was missing. The missing part was you Charlie. I am in love with you and I am not letting you go. Whatever happens will happen. I can face anything with you by my side. I choose you Charlie, now and forever.
As I look through the mirror I can see tears in his eyes and a wide smile on his face. As I am looking at this man and him at me I can feel that my mind, body and soul agree that this is the right decision for me.
I turn around and hug Charlie as if my heart depends on it and he returns it with equal intensity.
We kiss, softly at first, but it quickly becomes very passionate. When we break apart I pull his collar and guide him to the bed. I lay down and Charlie lays on top of me. We kiss until a big smile breaks out in my face, I just can't help it. Then I start laughing, softly at first then becomes a loud laugh. Charlie is looking at me confusingly but can't help himself and joins me. After a few minutes he asks me what we are laughing at.
"Me, I'm funny. I'm so thick sometimes"
"Stop saying that about yourself Al" he says.
"No Charlie, I just meant that I now know the reason why I feel like this. Why I feel free. The key to it was always me. When I looked in the mirror earlier I saw me.I saw Ali and I kinda love her" I smile at him.
He jumps off the bed and shouts,"finally!"
I get up to join him. He takes me in his arms, we hug and kiss and hug again. When he releases me and looks right at me I know what I want.
"Charlie?"
"Yes darlin'"
"Make love to me"