1-800-Cinderella

1-800-Cinderella (18)

YEAH XD I'm baaaackkkkkk. This was an emotional chapter holy mother of God ha Enjoy and tell me what you think 

With each sip of the soda Rye gave me, I wished for it to be alcohol. Not because I was becoming an alcoholic or maybe it was, but because I didn’t want to remember all that I had done or seen. My sister coming back and paying for Ben’s science kit, Trevor telling me he liked me, kissing Rye and then now at his house sipping on some Sprite. The only thing that could make this worse would have to be me sleeping with Rye because I felt like it was soon to come on my list of dumb shit.

 Yeah, so I wanted a bit of excitement in my life, but all of this was just tiring and I was ready to pass out on my face and drool. Why was life so hard? It’s because I’m a woman, I know it. There was no other explanation. I mean if having my period wasn’t already wretched enough, I also have to endure these unexplainable emotions that overwhelm me at random intervals of my life. Then I end up doing stupid shit and want to cry and drown myself in liquor.

Then I cry some more because I’m a drinker and I can’t function which brings on more tears because I’m then a dead beat mom and I’d have to hand Ben over to my horrible sister. Oh God, that’s even more terrible than Mother Nature bringing me hell. I feel like sobbing right now, actually.

“Holy, calm down, will you?” Rye’s hand landed right on top of my hand that was squeezing the empty Sprite can so hard my knuckles were red.

I let go of the can that I emptied at some point I guess and let out a huge breath I had no idea I was holding. Looking up at Rye’s concerned face snapped me back into reality. What in the hell was I doing here? Why the hell did I run to him in the first place? What was my life right now?

Abruptly rising up from my chair, I began to head for the trash can and then for the door. Rye stood by the table watching me and I didn’t look back as I ran out of his door and down the street, slowly jogging and then picking up speed until I was in a full out sprint.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I can’t use guys to solve my problems. I’ve never had any sort of guys in my life. Funny how now they all come at the same time. All with their fair share of problems and obstacles for me. It’s like I either have men and my sister in my life making shit difficult or I have no one at all but Ben and become bored out of my damn mind. Was there no in between? Gah! I stopped running, assessing my surroundings which resulted in a smile from me.

Woodway Park. This was the park I went to after I first agreed to take in Ben and I sank down on one of the benches to cry my heart out. I agreed to take him, I didn’t regret it. But I cried for the ending of my loneliness and independence. I wasn’t going to be just taking care of myself anymore. I was going to have to care for another individual all by myself and I was scared, but I couldn’t let Ben who didn’t have a name at the time just end up in some random parent’s home.

What if they weren’t good enough, or rich enough, or capable enough? What if they didn’t treat Ben well, what if they neglected him? I didn’t know what would come of him if I didn’t take him in myself and it hurt because I felt like his only option. This gracious child was like fated to be in my care and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t fucking ready but I did it anyways.

Now, here where I am today sinking down to an empty bench to cry over how I don’t know how to give my all to another man. I don’t know what it feels like to love, to care, yet Trevor was trying to claim he knew how when it came to me.

But where did it ever get us, his feelings? We ended up trying to one up each other, hurt the other, and make the other feel insignificant. Was that love? Was that how people showed they care? I didn’t know, and it was killing me. My body shook with my sobs and I couldn’t stop. For the life of me I couldn’t stop crying with the light of the moon shining on me like a direct spotlight.