The rain's comfort

Confession

My heart raced. I felt so embarrassed,hurt,happy, and confused. I tried to kill myself, and I failed. I put Austin through heart break. Again. I hate my actions, but I'm so relieved.

"Austin." I mumbled.

"Yes?" I looked up at his teary brown eyes. This was the worst feeling.

I reached my shaky hands up to his shirt and pulled him to me. He carefully laid next to me, and held me tight. He cried quietly in my black hair. I closed my eyes and fell into a stressful sleep.

The rest of my time in the hospital I made sure to stay very quiet. I had been given many prescription drugs for my anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, depression and bipolar disorder. Wow it sucks being that fucked up.

Alan made sure while Austin caught up on his sleep that I took my meds and the correct amount. I was on edge and very paranoid, if Alan's hand grazed mine or if Austin tried sleeping with me I would flinch or deny Austin.

He's coming.

Once I got home it felt nice being reunited with Luna. I walked through the house checking every nook and cranny. When I reached the bathroom a weight pushed against my chest. I rested my head on the door frame imagining how Austin felt seeing me in the tub.

I couldn't breathe suddenly and I was shaking. I fell in my dizzy state and tears started to fall.

"Jade!" Austin ran to me and pulled me into him, I felt even more trapped and began struggling. I pushed him, scratched him, and screamed at him.

"Get off! I can't breathe! stop p-please!" Before I knew it I was on the bed curled up and Alan had shown up.

"Jade, look at me-" Alan tried touching me and I interrupted him.

"Don't even touch me." I hissed, both of them looked worried and hurt. "Please just..."

They sat in the room while my panic attack eased away. My head was throbbing, I thought of how nasty I am. I saw what I had done to Austin. He had scratches all on his arms and cheeks, his face was very hollow from lack of sleep and food. He looked vulnerable.

"Jade, I've been very patient. I need to know what is going on, we can help you." Austin sat on the bed crisscross in front of me.

I shook my head "You'll hate me, I'm sick and disgusting. I should die." I realized what I said and immediately regretted it.

"Jade your life means so much more than mine, please don't say that. It- it hurts because I love you. Alan loves you, and Andy..." Tears streamed down his face.

"What is Andy to me?" I asked.

"He's your brother." Alan said then explained everything to me. I don't know how to react to such news.

"Austin if I tell you, you'll leave me. Alan, you'll never talk to me. I don't want that!" I pulled my hair in frustration.

"I love you too much. I wouldn't be able to leave you." Austin replied. Alan nodded in agreement.

I pondered on if I should tell them. But Austin and Alan deserve to know. If I lose them...

"I was. I got uh, I-" tears ran down my cheeks. "Someone r-..." I couldn't bare to say that word, so I cried. I held myself and tried pulling it together. I looked up and Austin had this look of pity, Alan wore the same expression. They know how much I hate myself now. They know how disgusting I am.

"Right now I know you're hurting and it kills me that I can't take away the pain. It's my fault. If I would've walked you home... You wouldn't be in this much pain. I wish I could kiss it away or switch the roles. I wish I could comfort you and hug you or hold your hand without you feeling... I wish I could show you how amazingly beautiful you are and how strong you really are. I'm sorry. But I will help you through this no matter what. We're not going anywhere."

Austin looked at my hand as if he wanted to hold it. Despite my fear of touch, I took his hand and interlocked our fingers.

"Thank you."
••••••
Years later

I woke up to Harley and Shayley jumping on Austin and I, " Uncle Andy and Uncle Alan are coming it's Christmas!! "

" let's go papa! Come on mama lets see what Santa brought us!! " Shayley took of down the hall with his twin. I love them so much.

I rolled over and snuggled closer to Austin's bare chest and breathed him in . I kissed his scar from surgery, " Merry Christmas babe. "
" Merry Christmas Mrs. Carlile. "

••••••
That's the end. Hope you've enjoyed this, I really have grown attached to them. I put my own thoughts, feelings , fears and hopes into this so it really means a lot. To think I started this as a lil baby 7th grader and ended it as a freshman is pretty damn amazing. I've decided to end it here so you can leave it to your imagination what happens with my main cast. Thank you again.
[ 'secret' message " I failed again, I felt trapped, I love him " ]
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-kind regards, Jasmine 👽