The rain's comfort

The war inside

I held Austin and Alan's hand tightly. "you okay Jade?"

"I'm just nervous I guess." I was excited and scared, I thought what if Sydney is behind this door? Or my dad!?

We walked in and I had a weight lifted of my chest, I noticed a little cage. what?

"I um got her for you..." Alan smiled ear to ear.

I opened the cage to find a little black kitten playing with a cat toy. "Oh my god thank you so much Alan!"

"What are you gonna name her?" he pulled her out and handed her to me.

"Hmm." I thought while I was checking the lil ball of fluff out. She was beautiful, her eyes were vibrant and blue, her right paw was the only white one but rather than that she was pitch black.

"Luna." I smiled and kissed her in the head multiple times.

"That's cute where did you come up with that?" Austin pet Luna.

"Uhh... Harry Potter..." I said shyly.

"Creative." he kissed my cheek, it gave me shivers. It's funny because Austin and Alan gave me major butterflies.

"Hey um... Do you guys wanna hangout on the roof?"

"Sure!" Alan chuckled.

"Okay, I'll meet you guy up there. I need to do a few things."

"Sure thing love." Austin grinned. God damn why do they like making me blush! Once they left I put Luna in her cage and ran into the bedroom.

I pulled out a black box with a lock on it then ran to my closet floor and fished around for my key. I put the silver key into the lock and opened my 'special box' it contained old letters,pictures, emergency money, old jewelry, my pipe... And the thing I searched for, two lifeless pieces of metal. I had an intense urge to cut but I couldn't so I hastily put those in my pocket and changed into my Bring Me The Horizon shirt and threw on my old black sweater and zipped it up half way. I grabbed my portable speaker and left. once I was at the rooftops door I felt sick. I have to do this today! I opened the door and looked to my right to see Austin and Alan sitting against the wall.

"Hey that was quick." Austin noted.

"Ha yeah I tried not to make Cashby wait." I winked and sat down infront of the two.

"Wow that's gorgeous." Alan awed.

"What?" I turned around looking at the parks trees.

"You." he looked right into my eyes and smirked.

"Oh my..." I hid my face in my long hair.

"Don't hide those eyes Jade." he came closer to my face and I felt my heart throb even though I froze.

"That's enough lover butt! I'm right here you fucking cheater!" Austin grabbed his collar and yanked him back.

"He's mine nice try Jade!" Him and Alan did the gayest kiss... What has been seen can never be unseen.

"I uh have to talk to you guys..." I said pulling my knees to my chest.

"Three years ago I lived in a little shack I found when my parents kicked me out..." I stared right into Alan's big brown eyes. I turned on the song 'Hold On Till May' by Pierce The Viel. Alan and Austin knew how much this song meant to me, they exchanged worried looks.

"I know I'm a fucked up person, I've been bullied,abused, I did drugs and alcohol at an early age but worst of all I've been abandoned ." Alan knew exactly what I was talking about.

"I still smoke pot and cigarettes here and there, but one thing I struggled with the most was depression. Every minuet was a struggle, it was war every night between my self. It's no secret, the whole fuckin town knows I cut! But since three years ago from today... I stopped and I've been clean since, I don't think you guys understand how much you mean to me, if it wasn't for you guys coming into my life I wouldn't be alive"

"Jade..." Alan sounded in pain.

"Please let me finish, I just wanted to give these to you in honor of my three year streak." I reaches for my pocket when Alan stopped me.

"Jade... Your wrong." He wouldn't even look at me.

"W-what?" I said bewildered.

"If it wasn't for you I'd be dead." those words hit me hard in the chest. I felt tears grow hot but I refused to let one fall.

"Alan? W-why would you say that!"

"Every day in middle school I watched you struggle. I wanted to s-say somethin b-but I couldn't. And I took it out on m-myself!" I looked at Austin, he looked away. He knew something.

"I-I could've s-stood up for you! B-but I couldnt! You didn't even know I existed!"

He let go of me and put his hands on his ears and started to break down, it was awful I've never seen him so broken... I looked at Austin but he was no help. I did the only thing I could and held him tight, I hugged his head on my shoulder with one arm and rubbed his back with my other one. I felt his nails clench my shirt, his tears were soaking my shoulder but I don't care he's worth so much more than a shirt.

"I re-gret it s-so much... It's e-eating me al-ive! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so s-sorry!" he sobbed. I felt my heart break.

"Shhh... Alan it's okay I'm right here, I'm not going to force you to tell me. when your ready I'm ready."

"I-it's not okay... I'm horrible. I shouldn't be a-aloud to breathe..." he said slurred. I sat up and held his face and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Don't you ever say that again! Alan look at me!" he looked at me trying to get a grip, he looked like he was gonna pass out.

"I'm so so sorry..." he cuffed my hand on his face and closed his eyes trying to steady his breathing.

He swayed so I pulled him so close to me I could smell his shampoo. I had my back against the wall and Alan in between my legs laying on me, his head rested on my shoulder. I looked at him, his eyes were swollen with tears rolling down his cheek and I watched his chest twitch tying to calm his breathing. I noticed him squeezing my hand, I didn't mind at all because I knew he was at war with himself, it's the least I could do because he's done so much for me. He is so nice and fun I hate seeing him like this, he's my bestfriend and I want to protect him. I stared at his handsome face and pet his head knowing it bring him comfort. I kissed his wet cheek and saw his cheeks turn bright red, with his free hand he touched his cheek smiling. I looked at Austin to find him smiling, I reached my other hand out and he held it.

"I'm gonna go okay? I think it would be best if you guys were alone" he whispered, I nodded and he left.

"Jade..." Alan spoke softly.

"Alan?"

"I'm ready..." he sat up and faced me.

"Just know I love you no matter what." I've never told Alan I loved him before

"I'm sorry..." he took of his jacket and showed me his wrist. Oh Alan, I did this.

"I'm hideous." he couldn't even look at me.

"No, your a handsome young man..." I kissed up and down his arms not missing a single scar.

"Look at me." I said sternly.

"Jade... I'm sorry I-"

"Stop. I love you for everything, I love your flaws, your perks,your scars,your hair everything." I was just a few inches from his face. He looked down and pulled my sleeve up and ran his fingers over my skin, it gave me the chills and he noticed. He kissed my bruises from Syd and looked at me and brushed this thumb over my stitches and smiled so bright.

"I love you too..." he finally said it back.

I guess it's true that the saddest people do smile the brightest.