Illicit [Harry Styles]

Chapter 44

Harry and I settled on watching movies for the rest of the night whilst discussing plans for the rest of the weekend. It was to be expected that I never got much of a say in the choice of film since Harry was adamant he wasn't going to be made to sit through any 'soppy girly shít'.

We made pasta in the middle of the night when we got peckish, Harry still wearing only his tight boxer shorts and me continuing to sport his oversized tshirt and my underwear. It was nice being with Harry when he was feeling so relaxed and not making horrible remarks or acting grumpy — it made me feel more comfortable and much happier.

Harry decided he wanted to have people over for a 'gathering' on Saturday night, which I was slightly wary of since nothing good ever seems to come from partying and drinking, but I pretended I was totally fine with it and pushed as many of my negative thoughts aside as possible to keep from causing a scene and ruining things. As soon as he texted out the details, his phone started blowing up and didn't stop until we got into bed at nearly two in the morning.

"I want to be the little spoon," he complained, wriggling and turning his back to me under the quilt.

Though he couldn't see me because the room was pitch black, I rolled my eyes, ultimately turning over onto my side and wrapping my arms around his middle. One of his large hands enveloped mine on his stomach and the other was stretched back to rest upon my thigh. I loved the way his thumb ran back and forth over my bare skin, a sigh blowing past my nose as I pressed my cheek against his shoulder.

Recently, a million and one thoughts were always clouding my head. To put it simply, I didn't like the guessing games that came with being involved with someone else. I remember when I was younger and you were either in a relationship or not and I thought it would be the same when you were older as well, you would never even kiss someone if you weren't in a relationship with them back then. But now, I was finding adult relationships were much more complicated. You could see someone almost every day, you could be tied to them in every way, you could be deeply intimate with them, but you're still not officially with them and there's nothing to keep them from just getting up and leaving you. I didn't get that and I didn't like it.

There was still so much about Harry that remained a mystery to me, too. Despite being the only person he'll even remotely open up to, I knew there was a lot he hadn't told me about himself and his life. I knew for a fact he was a very complex person who was hiding secrets — whether they were those from his past, or those still in play today — I wanted to be in the know. Despite where we were today, Harry was still very hot and cold when it came to his mood and his temper, which was a scary thing to have to deal with sometimes.

When I really thought about it, I had no idea how I ended up here. Harry's seemingly fearless, cold and closed off with a fairly subtle inflated ego. He's been in trouble with the law and to this day still does things that could land him in trouble. He has secrets, a past before the court trial that appeared to run cold, and a wall built to keep anyone in search of his feelings out. I was the complete opposite; I'm shy and annoyingly anxious, I had cried more times in the past three months than Harry probably has in his entire lifetime, and I'm totally unsure of myself. I would say I'm pretty much an open book — a bit of a mess at times, but I try my hardest to please. I suppose in a way we use our differences to help and better the other — I try to get Harry to open up and become a bit more soft, whereas he tries to toughen me up and introduce me to the real world.

I just hoped one day we'd manage to create a balance rather than tipping each other over the edge all the time.

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"Harry, wake up. It's nearly twelve."