Illicit [Harry Styles]

Chapter 58

I backed down. I immediately cowered backwards, my shoulders sinking and my face falling into nothing. I felt like all the life had just been sucked out of me and I just stood there feeling faint all of a sudden. My heart felt numb and I wanted to clutch it through my chest to check it was still beating but I was frozen, my mouth falling agape.

I thought he would take it back. I was sure he'd spoken on impulse again and either he didn't mean it or he at least didn't mean to blurt it out, but he didn't even react - like he knew exactly what he'd said. His face was completely neutral, just staring at me as I shut down.

Was I dreaming? There's no way he just came out with that, I didn't believe it. My mind was spinning, how was I supposed to respond? Every time the thought of loving Harry had crept into my mind I'd pushed it away. I'd convinced myself that I didn't - I couldn't. I hadn't even allowed myself to consider whether or not I loved him, yet he'd decided he loved me. How long had he been thinking about it?

"Say something," he requested, not giving away how he was feeling one little bit.

"I can't," I muttered, my mouth barely moving. I was in shock. "I d-don't know... what to say."

This was never how I pictured it happening. Actually, I'm not sure I ever pictured it happening, but when I'd imagined what it could be like, it was never this. In a round about way this was much more meaningful than any scenario I could've thought up in my head, it'd come out in the heat of the moment, like he couldn't hold it in anymore.

Harry had once convinced me that he could never feel anything, let alone love. But recently he'd gone all in, he'd become an open book in an attempt to show me that he loved me, just without saying the words. And then he did. He said those three words that people make a huge deal out of saying to another person - that I'd never really understood until I was in the situation myself. I couldn't get my head around why it was such a tremendous deal to feel love for someone and tell them that, but now it made sense.

"God, this is not how I thought this would go." He ran his hand over his hair, glancing around and laughing a laugh that didn't express humour in any way. When I didn't say anything he carried on, "I mean, I didn't plan on throwing that shít out there any time soon, especially not on a night like this, but when I did I didn't expect you to look at me like I'd murdered someone."

"Well with your track record..." I found myself mumbling, making a joke without even realising I was doing it, and Harry laughed out loud, pinching the bridge of his nose and then sighing afterwards.

"Jess," he breathed out, a hint of a smile on his face. For the first time in ages he looked happy, or rather content. It was like coming to terms with how he felt lifted a huge weight off his shoulders, he didn't seem worried with the way I'd reacted, he was just glad to be telling the truth.

"I'm sorry."

His eyebrows dipped together. "For what?"

"For... not saying it back. For standing here like a wet sock after you've just said... that."

He chuckled - that kind of chuckle where you just blow air out of your nose, smiling and shaking his head. "In all honesty, I didn't expect you to. It's okay, we have all the time in the world."

Now it was my turn to look confused. All I've ever done is stick by his side through thick and thin, yet he didn't expect me to say it back? "Why not?" I asked, feeling like I was slowly coming back to life after the initial shock.

"I'm not exactly an easy person to love," he shrugged his shoulders. He wasn't smiling anymore, his expression was thoughtfully dismal and it hurt me. I didn't want him thinking that way.