Broken (A Bars and Melody fanfiction)

Chapter 33 - Hate

Trigger warning
This chapter gets very deep and meaningful and talks a lot about depression, bullying, self harm and suicide. If you need anyone to talk to about anything I am always just one message away. Ilyasm❤️

Katy's POV

Ever since people found out about me and Leo my social medias had gained a lot of followers. My posts always got loads of likes and comments. But not all of the comments were good.

I felt like no matter what I did I was constantly being judged. I could donate everything I own to charity and devote my life to charity work and people would still leave nasty comments and hate. I knew that I could never please everyone. I also knew that some people just didn't have anything better to do with their time than be spiteful about people they didn't even know. But that didn't stop the comments from hurting.

Looking around my exquisitely decorated hotel room I felt so far from home. I was near enough 100 miles away from Aunt Jenny and Tia and near enough 300 miles from Caitlin and my childhood home. Leo and Charlie were only in the room opposite but I felt so alone. In my lonely hotel room I felt isolated. I felt as if the only thing with me was the hate. My face was soaked with tears. I wanted to give in. I wanted to feel a blade slice through my skin. I wanted to stop feeling worthless.

On the tour bus I played video games with Charlie and Leo and laughed and smiled as if my break down earlier hadn't happened. As we were playing cod I noticed that Leo kept glancing at my wrist. Leo was not stupid and I knew that he knew that I used to cut. After the game finished Charlie went to the back to take a nap for a little bit. Leo moved next to me and wrapped his arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder.
"Why have you drawn butterflies on your wrist?" he asked.
"I just like doodling butterflies," I shrugged. I could feel his gaze burning into me.
"Katy, I know you and I know when you're lying," he frowned. "You know you can tell me anything right?" I shifted uncomfortably in his gaze. I wanted to tell him everything but the more someone knows about me the more they don't want anything to do with me.

After a moments thought I replied "Let's not talk about me. I'm such a self obsessed girlfriend; I always neglect to ask you how you are. Sometimes looking at you I forget that you were once that vulnerable boy who got bullied. I forget about everything you've been through. Talk to me about it all. Please,"
"That's all the past Katy," he quickly replied.
"The past affects the future and the present," I told him. "You're a big fan of rock. And I also love rock. And as someone who loves rock I know that people only tend to like it if they feel that they can relate to the lyrics."

It felt as if we were both in silence for hours. But it was only a minute. I was so afraid of what he had to say. I was quiet then and silence gave him space. (A/N if you get the song reference you are awesome🤘🏻) I wanted to hear what he had to say but I had no idea to what extent he was broken.

"I'll make you a deal," he finally spoke. "If you tell me everything I'll tell you everything. Now why have you drawn butterflies on your wrist?"
"I wanted a blade to slice through my skin," my words came out cold. I feared to show emotion in my voice. I pretended that I was just reciting a poem. "I needed it. But I've been clean for so long. So I drew butterflies to represent everyone I loved. Since I met you I haven't felt like I've needed to cut. I've never fitted in anywhere I've been. I'm always too smart or too emo or too nerdy. I got bullied in primary school. Compared to how badly some people get it wasn't that bad. But it was enough to knock my confidence and make me struggle to see the happiness in life. And then there was the rape. But then I met you. You started putting my broken pieces back together. But the constant hate from people I don't know is too much. Loosing my friends was too much. My depression is back and worse than before. I want to be normal. I want to be happy without pills. But without pills I feel everything but happiness. I feel like I should be happy because I have so much to be grateful for but my brain hates me. The demons in my head hate me. Happiness will never be reality. I want to feel in control again. But I'll always be reliant on my pills. I think this world would be better without me in it. I'm forever just a fuckup. Alcohol, smoking, cutting all just helps numb the pain."

Leo carefully listened to every word. I didn't realise how much I was crying until I stopped speaking. Leo gently wiped the tears from under my eyes.
"Please don't ever hurt yourself again," he begged. "The next time you want to or you find yourself feeling like you're ready to end it all call me. No matter what time it is and matter where I am I will come to you as quickly as possible. I love you so much Katy and I don't want you to ever suffer alone again."
"I love you," I cried into his chest. "Please tell me your story now," He took a deep breath.
"You know I was bullied in primary school. It was bad and music became my only escape. I would write how I felt. It made me feel slightly better. And since I went on bgt I've felt so blessed to have the life I have. But the voices in my head hate me. They're eating me alive. Some days I want it all to be over. I think about how easy it would be to end all of the pain. And then I feel so ungrateful because the bambinos have given me such a good life. But there are still people who hate on me. And one hateful comment has more weight than a thousand good comments. And even some of the bambinos hurt me with the things they call banter. I feel like I need pills to make everything better, I need something to try and stop the demons. I need help. But I don't know how to ask for it. I secretly cut. They always check your wrists but nowhere else. My legs are covered in scars. The constant reminder of how much I want to die. I think about death so often I'm slowly forgetting how to live. But when I'm with you I feel happy. Seeing you smile makes me smile. And I wish I could constantly be with you because whenever I'm with you I feel better. You're my own antidepressant. And without you I'd be dead." His voice broke and he heavily sobbed into my hair. The thought of my one true love feeling like this made my heart shatter. All I wanted was for Leo to be happy.

"Please stop hurting yourself," I cried. "Think about how the bambinos would feel. How I feel. And don't you ever try to leave this world. You say that without me you'd be dead and without you I'd be dead. Let's save each other. Because I could never bare to lose you. So don't you ever dare try anything like that. Let's make a promise to each other. I promise that if you stay living for me and stop hurting yourself I will help you love yourself as much as I love you. I will show you how much you are worth."
"And I promise that if you stay living for me and stop hurting yourself I will help you love yourself as much as I love you. I will show you how truly beautiful you are." We shared a deep passionate kiss. We were both broken. But slowly, piece by piece we would fix each other.

A/N
I promise next chapter will be a LOT happier.
I love you all so much and you are worthy, beautiful and strong.

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