princess >> n.s

*32. Third degree

Written 3/10/15

It's been almost a little over a month.

A month since I broke up with Harry with no explanation. A month since I last talked to him, seen him, touched him, kissed him...

I wanted Harry and I to at least still communicate after the break up, but Harry has been avoiding me like I was some sort of disease. I get where he's coming from, though. If Harry had broken up with me without explaining, I would have ignored him like the plague.

I wasn't heartbroken, to be completely honest. I could still function, I wouldn't burst into tears at the mention of his name. Mine and Harry's relationship only lasted a little over a month, so it didn't feel like a huge loss. It didn't hurt as bad if had been a three year relationship.

While I wasn't having a full blown break down over the break up, I was still hurt just a tiny, small bit. How could I not be? Harry had been my first boyfriend. Harry had been my first for a lot of things. Harry was very affectionate, when he wasn't horny, which was a rare occurrence, and was very gentle. He made me feel good and not just in bed, but in general. He made these weird tingles run through me everytime he said something stupid.

I don't love Harry.

Love doesn't exist.

I just like Harry.

Neither Harry or I seemed like we took the break up hard, which surely confused our class mates and more importantly, Louis. Louis was very confused. I'm pretty sure he cried more than I did. I cried once and only once. It was late at night an I was very nostalgic.

As soon as I told Louis about the break up, he came over with his Mean Girls DVD, which I thought was completely pointless because it's on Netflix, and some left over donuts. While I enjoyed the donuts and the movie, I felt like it was pointless. I was fine, I felt fine. Sure I had gone through a break up, but I felt like it wasn't a bad one. Ok, maybe it was a bad one, but I didn't feel anything. It's hard to explain in words how I feel.

I knew it wouldn't last over a year, our relationship. He couldn't have thought that our relationship would last more than a year, right? It couldn't have. This was his last year in high school, while I would barely be moving on to 10th grade. He would be a college student an I would be a tiny high schooler. Those relationships just don't work out.

When I say that neither of us took it bad, I could only really speak for myself. I only knew what I saw from Harry at school for seven hours every week day. Outside of school is a complete different story. Harry could be torn up over this absolutely shattered an I wouldn't know. I didn't know how Harry was doing, as I said, he refused to talk to me.

At home, my mom still had me on a tight leash. I have to be home before 7, I can't close or lock my door, and I can't have a lock on my phone. She had told me that she wanted the passwords and usernames for all my social media accounts, but I told her that I had deleted those a while back. While I was lying, I couldn't have her look through my Tumblr. That's no place for a mother who just found out her son, who wasnt legal, was sending nudes and having sex with his legal boyfriend.

It was the next day when Louis picked me up from my house and we walked together to school. It was September already so it was getting quite cold. I loved it.

He had a coffee in his hands which we passed around between the both of us to keep us warm. Usually Harry would pick me up, but I guess that's out of the picture and mine and Louis' mom's both leave for work early so we're stuck walking, no matter the weather conditions, at least until one of us gets their license an a car.

When we got into the school building, the first bell rang just minutes later. We both went our separate ways to our first period classes. I sat through class, bored, scribbling doodles and writing down story plots that I know I will never write. Yes, I do enjoy English it's my favorite subject, it's just the teacher that I can't stand. It sucks when you get a crappy teacher for a subject you like. Hopefully we don't loop. I don't ever want to see her again after this school year ends.