and then you left // cth

chapter 24: shame

calum

"Oh, my god, Calum! You have no fucking filter!" Lex exclaimed loudly, her face lighting up. I'd made some remark about God knows what, which sent her off on a laughing fit. I watched as she giggled, and the smile on her face spread to mine.

It was then that I realized that she was the light of my life.

We were sitting on a beach at midnight on a random school night in the middle of the spring. It was as if we both were beginning to develop insomnia; when we were together it seemed that sleep was an unnecessary waste of time. How could we sleep? There was so much to talk about, so much to think about. So many places to go. A night of sleep would mean a night wasted.

Instead, we'd found a few spots around town that we liked to go. There were a few diners, a few parks, and this beach, among others. They were quiet places that were often left empty at night. It was usually just us, alone with our clouded minds and heavy thoughts.

We'd developed a habit of spending our nights together, except that we often did not sleep at all. Looking back, I wonder if these regular all-nighters later played a part in my actions that ended everything. Perhaps if I was of sound mind, things would have ended differently.

Sometimes we didn't even talk and we would just be with each other and think. It was nice to just enjoy each other's presence, every once in a while. It seemed everyone was always caught up in the static sound of our phones. It was nice to get away from it all.

I switched my gaze from the stars to Alexis, who was sitting in the sand as I laid down with my head in her lap. She was running her fingers through my hair absentmindedly, and I was watching the soft expression on her face from below, mesmerized with focus.

"Tell me something I don't know, Lex-Bug." She smiled at the mention of the nickname I'd given her.

Although it was the beginning of spring and flowers across the world were beginning to bloom, it seemed Washington had not gotten the memo. The bitter air nipped at my fingers, and I asked Lex if she was warm enough. I'd already given her my jacket, and it was draped over her shoulders. She nodded, and we sat in silence for a long moment.

It was perfect, that night. So quiet and peaceful. We were the only ones on the beach, given the late hour. I heard the waves rippling softly into the sand and the ocean smelled sweet. The sky was clear and the stars were out and it was just perfect. I watched the stars twinkle as I felt Lex's fingers run gently through my hair, and listened to her steady breathing as. We just looked into each other's eyes and listened to the wind. It was perfect.

Sometimes, on nights like these, it felt like we were the only ones in the world. I'd like to pretend it was that way every once in a while. When Lex and I were alone together, it felt like we could conquer the world.

It was the calm before the storm, really.

I watched Lex's face as she played with my hair. Her eyes were focused on what she was doing, but there was a softness to them. Her mouth was open a little and her teeth sparkled in the moonlight.

She was so beautiful.

"We should probably get back," she started, but neither of us moved an inch. I knew she wanted to stay, and that she was just saying that to make herself feel better about staying out so late.

"We're fine. It's not like either of our parents cares where we are at this time," I reassured her, and she nodded.

My parents were nice enough. Though they were busy, I knew they cared. But it seemed their jobs took them away from me when I needed them most as a kid. This had made me rely on myself instead, which I was somewhat grateful for. I had turned into a very independent person who focused more on making others happy.