and then you left // cth

chapter 36: silently

alexis

I awake to the sound of rain hitting the roof at a volume higher than it should be. The roof must be thin, and that must be why it sounds as if it is about to cave in on us.

That must be to blame for the pit of anxiety in my stomach, the feeling of dread coming from within my being.

Calum's arms are laced around me loosely, as one of his arms is draped across my stomach. But his chest is not pressed to my back as it used to me when we would sleep together. It used to be that he would hold me so tight I would have to ask him to be gentler. It used to be that he would pull be close and tuck my head under his chin as he drifted off.

But now there is a looming distance between us, one that I fear is only going to grow with the day ahead.

Slowly, I untangle myself from Calum's grip, without turning to look at him. Instead, I get up quickly and open the bedroom door, purposefully making too much noise as I close the door, in hopes it will wake him. I don't want to awkwardly wait around in this unfamiliar apartment for him to wake up, nor do I want to do it myself.

How would I even wake him? Whisper in his ear, slam a book on his nightstand? Both of those options seem unfitting for the circumstance.

I walk heavily to the bathroom, and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I almost don't recognize myself. I glare at my reflection, angry that I slept here. Angry that I even came here in the first place, in fact. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, or even my presence.

I can never forget the way I felt after I'd walked in on Calum and the other girl, after I'd walked in on the boy who had told me he wanted to marry me just the night before, this same boy lying with a girl I didn't recognize. She looked older, and he looked different somehow. Until that moment, I'd never noticed how intimidating Calum actually appeared. I'd been too caught up in his eyes and his words and his music.

Now that I've seen that side of him, I can't unsee it.

I spend too much time in the bathroom, brushing my teeth far more thoroughly than I usually would with a spare toothbrush I found under his sink, and brushing my hair loosely with my fingers. After staring at myself in the mirror with disgust, I carefully tuck my T shirt into the sweatpants that Calum let me borrow so that I look a little less shapeless. Normally I would just borrow his T shirt, but we are both not in the right place for that. And I do not want his scent enveloped around me, like a trap.

I wash my face with his soap, noticing the way it smells like him. Or he smells like the soap, depending on how you look at it.

I spend too much time on all of these tasks, stretching each of them out as far as possible. When I am finally done, I give myself one last look in the mirror, and then reluctantly open the door.

He is waiting for me in the kitchen, leaning over the counter with two steaming cups of coffee. He looks hungover, though I know he isn't. The circles under his eyes are deep and dark, and his eyes aren't open all the way.

He is holding one of the mugs, but has yet to take a sip. The other one sits by itself, looking lonely as it waits for me. I notice the color of it, knowing that he put the exact amount of cream that I like in it.

There are some things you never forget.

I take the mug from the counter and take a seat across from Calum, at a stool next to the counter. We avoid eye contact and sip our coffees in silence, knowing damn well what awaits us.