alexis
"Alexis!" Gram screams for me, projecting her voice so that it carries up the stairs.
I've been alone in my room with the door shut and locked since the whole conversation with Calum. I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me wants to pick up my phone and call him and pretend the last seven months haven't happened. I want to ask him how his day was and talk about what movies are coming out and how he feels about the weather.
But that is unrealistic and so are my expectations. I cannot give in so easily.
At this point, it has been seven months since he broke my heart. Seven months of nothing but agonizing pain and overthinking everything I ever did while we were together. This has taken such a toll on me, and I just want this nightmare to be over.
I want to move on. I realize this now. I realize that if I don't move on now, I never will.
"Alexis?" Gram raps her fingers on my door before barging in. She eyes me cautiously, trying to asses my mental state from across the room. She's worried about me, and this I acknowledge. It seems that locking yourself in your room for a few days is a sign of a bigger issue, but I needed to be alone.
"Yeah?" I respond. I watch carefully as she takes in my messy, darkened room. The curtains have been closed since I arrived a month ago. My suitcase still sits unpacked on the floor, because at first I refused to accept that I would actually be staying. Somehow, I thought that if I never unpacked, none of this would be real. Now, it is just a reminder of my laziness and delusional denial.
"I just wanted to tell you that I invited Luke over for dinner. He'll be over in about an hour." She tells me, and I groan. I appreciate Luke, deep down inside. I really do. He's been there for me when I have literally no one else. But I know that he thinks of me as more than a friend and that thought is unbearable for me right now. He also is pushy sometimes in getting me to talk about Calum, but at others, he is patient and gentle.
I don't know why he sticks by me when my behavior is so unpredictable.
I haven't spoken to him since I kicked him out of my room. I need to be alone with my thoughts and figure out what to do about Calum. Having Luke over will only distract me from my task at hand. But then again, I miss him.
It seems that many of my problems arise when I cut people out as they start to show me they care. But why should they care? How could they? I am only a burden, a liability at best.
"Okay, thanks for telling me," I respond to Gram simply, hoping that this response will suffice her need for discussion and that she will leave me alone. But she doesn't. She stares at me with concern present in her watery blue eyes.
"How are you doing, Alexis? I haven't seen much of you in the past few days." She purses her lips and sighs and a pang of guilt comes over me. She really wants to spend time with me but my thoughts are consuming every aspect of my being.
"I'm fine." I lie. She does not believe me but still, she nods and leaves me alone and even makes sure to shut the door behind her. It seems nobody believes me anymore when I say I'm okay. They no longer trust me when I speak of my own health.
I wonder when people started to catch on.
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and then you left // cth
Fanfiction"you left me, cal. after everything you'd said, after every promise, you left me without even saying goodbye," my words knock the wind out of him. he doesn't know what to say, what to do. but even so, he stares into my eyes, reminding me of everythi...
