and then you left // cth

chapter 33: bathroom floor

alexis

You're just a little bit out of my limit
it's been two years now
haven't even seen the best of me

The people I'd come to call my best friends sing in unison, while the lead guitarist tried to catch my eye.

But my eyes are locked on Calum, and he is staring at the ground with more focus than I'd ever seen him have in school. I couldn't help myself, though I knew I shouldn't stare. I couldn't shift my gaze away from him, noticing the way his face expressed no emotion at all, not even sadness. It seemed he was empty inside, and his glassy eyes mirrored my own.

I shouldn't be looking at him, I shouldn't even be here. He doesn't deserve my attention, my pity. But maybe this grudge i've had against him should be loosened, at last.

It's been so goddamn long since I've hugged him.

I stare at him until it hurt too much, until i remember all of the times he told me he loved me, until the lump in my throat forms and my eyes water.

For a second, only for a second, I allow myself to want him. I picture myself running up to their pathetic makeshift stage and throwing my arms around him and forgetting anything ever happened between us. But acceptance is a hard task, especially when the thing you have to accept was the fact that the person you loved most in this world didn't feel the same about you.

Except that is a lie and I know it. Calum loved me, he loved me too much, in fact, same as I felt about him.

We were far too focused on each other to see how much the relationship was damaging us, how neither of us were individual people anymore. All we cared about was each other, and so we both lost touch with ourselves. When we were together, we put everything aside to be with each other, and for no reason. There were no dramatic circumstances trying to pull us apart, no midnight meetings on my balcony to discuss our feelings in the private of the moonlight.

No, we were two sleep deprived teenagers who put everything aside to be with each other.

It took Calum leaving me and the pain this caused me to realize how toxic our relationship was. To realize that it is not normal want to die when your boyfriend leaves you. You should be heartbroken, and sad but no way near depressed and suicidal. On the surface our relationship was beautiful. But on the inside we were dark and twisted and sad.

We were both too fucked up to notice anything was wrong.

I snap out of my daze and realize they're on their last song- they played only a few of their personal favorites, but it was still an amazing show. They are young and passionate and full to the brim of talent. This is the first time I've really seen them perform in front of an audience, and it's clearly where they are meant to be.

It is now that the recognition hits me that they are going to blow up. They were going to blow up and leave this town and tour the world. It's only a matter of time now.

I remember the look on Calum's face as he would sing to me, it was astonishing. He looked so happy- his eyes lighting up and his smile wide. It was the kind of smile that spread onto the faces of everyone around him. It was the kind of happy I'd always wished I had.

Suddenly, the pain in my chest overwhelms me, and my emotions seem to drown me. The night is too hot, because nights are not meant to be hot in the first place, and I'm sweating. The bass that Calum is playing is too loud, and Ashton's drumming is vibrating the soles of my shoes. Gram won't like this loud music, the noise will carry to our house and it'll prevent her from going to sleep early like she usually does.

I cant take it anymore, the space is tightening around me and I know I have to get out of here, whatever the consequence.

And so I run.