Deep Regression

Follow Me...

Why? Why didn't I stay for an explanation? Why didn't I believe him? He's never lied to me before.
Was it because I was afraid that it was true? No...that's too simple. It was because I was afraid of what it meant to be married to him. To truly be tied to him...forever.
It's not so much much the forever part that bugs me. What part that bugs me is how he makes me feel. I don't feel like I deserve something like him, or anyone for that matter.
My fists hit the boxing bag and it flies back at me.
"Great punch." His voice rings through the gym and I shiver.
What has it been? Six months since I gathered my stuff, blocked him, and read through a couple of his emails he sent me.
Six months since I've seen this man. Six months since I've been happy.
I don't respond, my heart is hurting too much, and my words are vapor.
"Not going to say hi? Well, I will, Hi Selena, how have you been?" His shoes echo through the room.
I continue to punch the bag, harder and harder. Until he's beside me.
"Say something."
"There's nothing to say Peter." my voice bland.
"I miss you, come home." He replies.
"Stop, don't do that."
"I really do want you next to me, and I've never once thought of another woman while we were apart and together. I love-"
"SHHH!" I shout.
I don't want him to say any of it. I don't want to pull him into my trap, to ruin him.
"Please, If you'll just trust and-"
"ITS NOT YOU!" I yell as I turn my body to face him.
Peter's deep brown eyes lock with mine and I forget everything. How does he do that?
The worry, the depression, and the restless nights clear on his face.
"It's me, right? That's...great, just...HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?!" He shouts.
"YES! That's why I left!" I throw defensively back.
He stops breathing and so do I.
"Sel...no, why?"
He takes a step to me, I shudder. All that's in his eyes is wonder and pain.
"I'm not good enough, I never will be, and you'll always deserve the best." I confess.
"WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN?!?!" He yells at me.
"Huh?" I'm so confused with him.
"YOU HEARD ME, WHAT THE FUCK? WHY WOULD YOU CONDEM YOURSELF TO SUCH A GODDAMN LOW LEVEL?"
"Because I don't deserve you, I've slept with many, had my pick, and now I'm trying to have a happily ever after? It's not in my story book! I don't deserve or earn a happy ever after!"
"YOUVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! Do you know how much I felt that I didn't deserve you through our relationship? Do you know how many times at night I laid awake wondering how I got the happily ever after? WE DESERVE EACH OTHER SEL! I WANT YOU AND I KNOW YOU WANT ME! SO PLEASE JUST STOP FUCKING AROUND AND SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO!"
Tears pour into my eyes fear for admittance is around the corner.
"SAY IT!"
He takes several steps so that he's in front of me.
"Please Selena, come home."
I shove him away and continue my distance, Damn you Peter!
"I-I can't." I whisper.
"I promise to love you as no one has ever done. I promise to clean up the bedroom, to cherish our times, to never stop thinking about you. I vow my life to you, just...come home." He takes more steps to me and grabs ahold of my hands.
I suck in a sharp breath and relish his soft touch on my gentle palms. God he feels good.
"Im in love with you Peter, but I can't do this to you. I've torn, shredded and burnt you. I can't turn you into my world because it's too dark...too sinister."
"This isn't you Selena, Your hiding, I need you with me." He spoke like a savior...like a lover.
"Okay." I whisper ghostly as I wipe my tears.