Midnight • (Zayn Malik)

the incident pt. 2

I was crumbling from the inside out. I couldn't stop the tears pouring down my face and no matter how tightly I shut my eyes, they still streamed. My eyes wouldn't open either. They kept showing me her body being stabbed over and over again. I kept angrily wiping away my tears because it didn't matter how hard I cried, she was still gone. She was still dead and for a long time it felt like no one cared. It felt as if even I didn't when I constantly was trying to push away the memories. I had to let myself feel this. Someone had to care that she was gone and it needed to be me. I needed to stay strong instead of letting my heart shatter to nothing as it did before. But the pain felt like too much. I clung to Zain's shirt to assure me of something real. To make sure I wasn't really there watching her bleed to death and that I was still here.

I hardly noticed when he moved me somewhere else. It was no longer the faint feeling of grass tickling my numb skin, but now I was completely engulfed in warmth. Zain's arms stayed tight around my shaking body as I cried. I screamed her name once the memory of her lifeless body being carried away from me played in my mind.

"Luna, please... stop- stop crying," Zain's voice was strained as if he had been crying too, "just breathe. You're here, you're safe. Nothing's going to hurt you."

"I can't, I can't," I told him, shaking my head over another wave of pain.

"Luna, you're scaring me," he took me by my arms and pulled me back, "please," he practically begged.

"She's gone," I whimpered, trying my hardest to stop sobs from taking over me again.

His shaking hands gently cupped my face and I felt rough thumbs trembling as they wiped beneath my eyes, carefully opening them. Her bloody face vanished before me and his blurry features replaced the memory. I blinked slowly, seeing reddened eyes and tear stained cheeks coming into focus.

"Zain," my whisper was broken as I took his face in my hands before I pulled him to my chest.

I raked my fingers shakily through his hair, trying my best to comfort him while also trying to stabilize myself. We stayed like this until neither of us were shaking. Our steady breathing and heartbeats were all that was heard for what felt like hours. It felt rather like time was a figment of our imagination and that we were staying in this calm state, wrapped in warmth and comfort. Wrapped in each other.

"Cassiopeia," the name was a soft drop in the darkness that surrounded us.

"Hm?" Zain's voice vibrated beneath me.

"That was her name," I continued after a beat of silence.

Zain didn't say anything for a while. He began rubbing his hand slowly against my back for me to continue. I took a deep breath.

"She was my sister," I stopped suddenly, feeling the lump in my throat. I focused on Zain's touch before I went on.

"She was six and I was fourteen at the time. It was the summer before freshman year. My mother, Cassie and I were the only ones in the car. I can't remember where we were even coming from, I just know we were coming home. Back then, I loved the big white house we lived in. I loved chasing Cassie around the twisting hallways and playing with her in the backyard. She always made me laugh at the things she said and did. She was like a bright shining star. She was everything to me," I felt another wave of pain crashing over me but I fought it as best as I could, "I remember it was dark out and there wasn't much traffic, even on the highways. We were listening to the radio, singing along to an overplayed pop song and dancing around in our seats. It was different back then," I bit my lip, "I remember my mother handing us her phone to take pictures of us being silly in the fancy dresses we were wearing," the brief smile that graced my lips faded, "one minute we're holding hands, smiling at each other... the next Cassie and I are being shoved by an impossible force. She was covered in glass shards and although I was cut too, her blood soaked her dress almost completely. It was everywhere. I was screaming for my mother to help me but the force of impact knocked her against the window and she was unconscious. With one hand still holding Cassie's- willing her to stay awake- I used the other to dial 911 on my mother's phone. I remember watching her bright blue eyes under her heavy lids as she tried to keep them open. Watching tears mix with scarlet drops was the only way I knew I was crying. I kept brushing her soft brown hair- now tangled in glass and blood- from her face as I waited for someone to come and help me," the lump in my throat was almost impossible to swallow but I kept going, "When they pulled us out of the car, Cassie's eyes were closed and I finally saw her in the bright lights they had around. There was blood streaming from cuts all over her face, she just- she looked like someone had tortured and beat her. They yanked my hand out of hers and I screamed when they held me back and I just had to watch them put her battered and limp body onto a stretcher. They didn't even try to resuscitate her or something, they just covered her up and put her in the back of the ambulance," I took a shaky breath to calm myself down, "I don't remember much after that. I couldn't stop replaying the picture of her broken body being taken away. When my mother woke up in the hospital, my father told her what had happened, that some drunk driver caused the accident on this road right here. I was livid. I remember hearing my mother cry but I couldn't feel anything. I felt hollow. I was angry that Cassie died because of someone else's brainless decision. I was angry that I was still here and Cassie wasn't. I was angry that I only had scratches and bruises. But I held onto that anger because I knew as soon as I let go... I knew I would cry and never stop," the familiarity of that anger started to warm inside of me as I continued, "For a week, no one left the house. Every step I took inside of that house was cold and empty and lonely. My mother and father wouldn't come out of their room. Not even when I stood knocking behind it," I felt my fists clench and my nails dig into my skin, "After that week, my mother walked out, dressed how she usually was in heels with a full face of makeup on and her hair done. She sent my father off to work and then she left too. I waited by the front door for her and when she got home, she had bags full of new clothes for me and a bright smile on her face. There was so much anger inside of me, I couldn't move from my position on the floor as she took the bags up to my room. When I did get up I watched her lock Cassie's door. The anger bubbled hot and red under my skin and I ran up the stairs to my room as tears steamed off of my cheeks. There was no mother comforting me as I cried, there was no mourning, there was no funeral, there was nothing. My mother locked Cassie's door and pretended like nothing had ever happened. I took the bags that she bought me and threw them out of the window and I went to my closet and threw every last thing that wasn't black out with them. I was going to mourn my sister the way she deserved to be mourned. I shut my mother out and for a long time I would just lay in my bed and cry until I fell asleep. My mother bought me something new every day until school started- like that would somehow fix everything. Every time my hand touched something pink, I heard Cassie's laughter. Every time I felt something yellow, I saw her smile. Every time I saw something purple, I felt her small arms around me. Every time I crossed something red, I saw her blood. I was tormented every night and day with the memory of her but I held onto it so that I could remember her exactly, because that was all I had left of her. My mother had taken every picture, stuffed animal and everything else of Cassie's and put it in that locked up room, then threw the key away," I paused when Zain's thumbs went to wipe away fresh tears that rolled down my cheeks, "The only thing that got me out of bed on the first day of school was the promise of a distraction. That's when Violet came home with me after school. She was so upset that I had ignored every last attempt of hers to hang out with me before summer ended. Violet is the only reason I'm still here today. I was so ready to say goodbye to this miserable life and see Cassie again. Violet was the one person that helped me make it through."