Falling in Love with a Star

Chapter 9 - The End of his World

I stand up from my bed and walk over to my door. Locking me in, Phil you know it was a bad idea to put locks on our doors. You know how I feel.

I stare at myself in the mirror for a solid 10 minutes "How can HE love ME?!" I lift up my shirt all I see is that I'm fat. My ribcage is showing but all I see is stomach. A fat stomach. Why can't I be thin. I see how bony my fingers, arms and legs are getting "I'm starving myself to death"

I look at my face. Seeing how skinny and unwell I look "why don't I just chop my head off. It'll be quicker and less painful" I chuckle to myself before sitting on the floor in front of the mirror. Dining every imperfection about myself. My shit eyes, my shit hair, my horrible skin, my disgusting face. Everything is an imperfection. Nothing is good about me...nothing.

(Contains trigger of self harm)

I look through my draws. Finding my razor. I carve my wrists. Feeling the pain I sigh with relief. I promised him I wouldn't do it again but if he can't keep his promise ring on. Then there's a promise to be broke from both of us.

I carve into my wrists, my thighs, my stomach, my back. Everything. Just to receive me from pain. I lay on the floor curled up in front of the mirror.

Dan why don't you jump out the window.

You'll never be happy.

All.

Because.

Of.

Me!

I burst into tears. Carving 'Fag' 'Emo' 'Die' into my legs. Feeling the pain finally getting to me. Blood staining the carpet. My breath slowly escaping my lips.

I hear a knock on the door but I don't reply. A knock again "Dan? Are you in there? Open the god damn door I need a serious talk to you!!" I hear Phil shout through the door. Still. I say nothing. "Dan? Dan are you okay?" I hear his voice change. From frustration. To worry.

He keeps banging on the door but never a reply. When suddenly he bursts the door open. He looks around and finds my body laying in front of the mirror. Curled up and covered in cuts and scars. He runs to me and places my head on his chest "Oh Dan, why?" I rocks back and forth. Teary eyed from seeing me in this state. "Y...You d...don't love...me" Phil shakes his head "Dan I will always love you!! Even in our little fights I will always come back and comfort you when you need it. Dan why didn't you say something" he kisses my head over and over again "I did. But you told me to shut up..." Phil sighs "I didn't mean it that way Dan, I was on the Phone to someone and I needed you to stay quiet." Tears rolling down both our faces "so why was your Promise ring on the table" Phil hugs me closer "Dan. I was cleaning the kitchen. Using bleach. I didn't want to damage it" I look up at him "I'm sorry Phil. I'm so sorry"

My weak body. Barely being kept up by Phil. I know he's broken and I know it's my fault. My body like a rag doll as he pulls me to the bed. Laying me down softly as the cuts run against the fabric. He lays with me. Holding me from behind. Pulling me as close as we can get. Basically spooning me. He kisses my shoulder as we lay together. In silence and in love.

••••••••

A couple hours go by. Phil's up and making a YouTube video when there's a knock on the front door. Making Phil jump and me wake. I sit up as I hear voices downstairs. It's Laura, Courtney Chris and PJ. I get up from my bed putting on one of Phil's baggy Christmas jumpers and walking downstairs. Courtney pulls me into a tight hug I flinch but hug her back. I kiss her forehead in a friendly manner and smile. Pulling away from the hug I then hug Laura, Chris then PJ. Phil doing the same.

We invite them in to sit with us as we watch a Christmas film. This time 'Home Alone'

PeeJ, Chris and Laura sit together. Me and Courtney cuddle as Phil cooks our dinner. Well attempts to cook the dinner. It'll end up being me who cooks it. The guys still have no idea that me and Phil are together. All they know is that we share the apartment. We ended up taking off our promise rings and hiding them in our bedside drawers.

Courtney starts to sleep on me. As we're curled up watching the film together. I think recently me and Courtney have become really close. Yeah I'm close with everyone but I feel even closer with Courtney. She manages to make me smile when no one else can. When I'm down. And she knows when I am down just by reading a text message. She FaceTimes me. Making sure I'm okay. And if I'm not. She's there.

••••••••

I hear a knock on the door. I jump from the seat. Leaving Courtney to rest and answer the door. Suddenly I am pulled into the most passionate kiss I've had in a long time. Not knowing where to put my hands I just wave them around and keep them in the air. As I pull away I open my eyes to see her... My clingy homophobic ex-girlfriend...NIAMH!!

"Niamh what are you doing here?!" I whisper shout "Oh come on. Why are you whispering. Are you keeping something from your lover?" She strokes my jawline and kisses my neck. "LOVER?! You! For your information I moved on. And pretty quickly!" I then realise that I cannot shown Niamh that I'm in a relationship with Phil. She'll tell everyone. Especially Elliot. Considering that's her brother. I swallow hard and think.

"Courtney come here a minute!" I shout. Courtney coming to the door "What is it Dan?" She asks looking at me then Niamh "Niamh. I would like you to meet Courtney. My Beautiful NEW girlfriend who I'm madly in love with!" I say. Pulling Courtney closer.

Niamh snarls Courtney and just walks in "mmmm who's cooking something good?" She says, me a little angry that she just walked into mine and Phil's apartment. She walks to the kitchen and sees everyone. Slowly followed by me and Courtney.

Me and Courtney sit on opposite ends of the sofa as Niamh looks at us "not very much of a couple when you won't even kiss her. I haven't seen you even look into her eyes yet. Like you always did with me" she smirks. I look over and Courtney. Her bright blue eyes looking back. I move closer to her and wrap my arm around her. Niamh looks at us. Just waiting.

I sigh and whisper to Courtney "sorry about this" and with that I move her hair from her face. Playing with her hair. Not taking my eyes from hers. I place a soft kiss upon her lips, which ends up getting more and more passionate.

Then the worst thing that could possibly happen. Happens.

Phillip.

My love.

Walks in and sees me making out with one of our friend. I hear a sudden smash of a plate as I pull away and look over. Seeing the distraught look in Phil's face.

I've broken him.

The end of my world.

Notes:
Sorry about how shit these chapters are getting. I'm just so busy lately with college and studying for things. Everything is so stressful. And Christmas. Trying to find money to get things for my friends. Anyway you don't want to hear about that.

Anyway.

Thank you <3