The Barefoot Girl

Chapter 8

I walk into the house and head up stairs. My daily routine of staring at my homework, then deciding YouTube would be more fun, ensues.

My fingers fiddle with the keyboard as I debate what I want to watch. Then, I remember my need to disprove the existence of God.

I type "proof God doesn't exist" into the search engine.

But then I remember how Natalie had accused my parents of being "anti-Christian."

How much of what they told me about Christianity is a lie? I find myself wondering.

So, I delete what I had typed and search "what is Christianity" instead. This way I don't sound totally ignorant when I make my case.

I tried to stay away from the videos that said "one true faith" as well as the ones bashing the religion. I just needed a clear unbiased description.

I watched one video. But it went so quickly I couldn't even comprehend. I shook my head. This is stupid. What does the Internet know? I'll have Natalie over and we can talk then. Out of range of any of my family member's hearing....

I was about to close the YouTube when Liam walked in, singing really off pitch. It sounds like the same song he had been singing the other day.

"I am the flower quickly fading here today and gone tomorrow-" he chants.

"Liam," I interrupted. "What on earth are you singing?"

His cheeks turned bright red.
"Nothing..." he mumbles and rushes out of the room.

I type "I am the flower quickly fading" into the search engine. A song called "Who am I" by some band named Casting Crowns comes up. I look up who Casting Crowns is to find they're a Christian band.

My defense walls go up and rage boils inside me. Someone's gotten in Liam's head. My own brother is turning Christian on me. I grip my phone in fury.

I go back to YouTube. Something compels me to click on the song. I don't even know why I'm listening to this.

But as the song progresses, my grip on my phone loosens. I physically feel my emotions calming. I lay on my stomach and the words seem to soak into my very being.

Who am I? That the eyes that see my sin, would look on me with love? And watch me rise again?

Who am I? That the voice that calmed the seas would call out through the rain, and calm the storm in me?

The lyrics leave me numb and yet full of emotion.

I am the flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean; a vapor in the wind.

Still you, hear me when I'm calling. Lord you catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am: I am yours.

The closing chords strike and my screen fades to blackness. I continue to stare at my phone. The emotion I feel is beyond description.
Is this... Is this the most real love in all the universe? Could this Lord, this God bring me healing? Could I ever forgive myself for what happened... to Lacy?

All I feel is complete and utter confusion. My eyes become unglued from my screen and I drop my phone. My head collapses onto my pillow.

I sob and sob because I don't know what else to do.

I realize, I want God to be real. I want to believe. But I can't. It all seems to good to be true.

What's happening to me??? my head screams.

I feel like the world has just come crashing down around me and I've been left in a hole. Yet there's a small light coming from the sky...

I didn't even know a song could do something like that to you.