Castaways

27::Hannah Hurting

Okay this book contains so many grammatical errors my ap English teacher would literally cry   I AM SO SORRY AND I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL A HUG FOR BEARING THROUGH IT. I SWEAR I KNOW HOW TO SPELL AMD PROPER GRAMMAR BUT I GET LAZY AND DONT PROOFREAD. *virtually hugs you all* :,) I proof read this chapter *GASPS* so hopefully there aren't any errors. Also, fair warning, there is explicit language >:)

November 7 8:26 PM

The boat rocked back and forth as I sat on my bed going through photos. I had an odd empty feeling in my gut, nothing I could explain, and for some strange reason the photos brought back the kind of nostalgic happiness. Something about looking back at old photos of mom's wedding was comforting and heart wrenching at the same time. After looking at the first few photos and feeling the sense of pain that came along with the comfort, I came to the conclusion that I needed it. I needed to feel the comfort even if it hurt at the same time.

Sometimes pain is a minuscule in the big picture.

I've been on my own for a while. Andrew made multiple attempts to talk to me but I shut him out. I shut everyone out for that matter, including myself. We're less than a day away from New Zealand, which means that in less than a week I'll see my family again. As odd as the thought crossed my mind, I was feeling hesitant about the idea. To say that I didn't want to go home would be a blatant lie. I wanted to go home with all my heart, yet the idea of being home sounded off. To put it in better terms, I was scared. Scared of what I'd return to. Scared of what I'd loose.

Andrew and I haven't been very open or exclusive as to what we are. He loves me, and I love him. If that doesn't put a label on us I don't know what will. Once we're home, is the label gone? We've been, scratch that--we're going--through so much right now that I'm actually scared of what's for the future of us. After loosing my dad, I've come to the realization that loss isn't a physical pain but an emotional pain--one that I'm not ready to endure again.

I guess part of the real reason I'm shutting him out is the fact that I'm preparing myself for what's to come: heart break.

The Beatles played softly in the background. After messing around in the room I found an old record player and a box full of classic vinyls. I popped a favorite of mine in to help me feel at peace, but all it seemed to do was bring up unwanted emotions. Eric, one of my little brothers, loved The Beatles.

My emotional roller coaster was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Hannah?" Said a husky voice through the door.

I sighed and ran a hand through my short and greasy hair. I haven't showered in over a week.

"Yes?" I said, my voice hoarse from not speaking over the past few days. I sat my camera down and hugged my knees to my chest and stared at the door.

"May I come in?" He pleaded, his voice sounded hallow now.

I kept silent, unsure if I was ready to talk or have human contact. Minutes passed by, and I stared at the door blankly. "Yes," I said in a low tone.

The door opened, and not wanting to meet his gaze I shifted mine to the floor in front of me. I heard shuffling as the door closed and the bed sunk to my left. Andrew didn't say anything. In my peripheral I saw him playing with his fingers.

"I love you." He said quietly, his voice steady and firm.

Although I've heard it before, this time it sounded different. This time it took my breath away and made me feel a sense of love and ecstasy. It reminded me that this is real. Andrew is real. I am real. What we feel is real. My tough facade was slowing wavering just by the thought.

"I know that these weeks have been hard. Fuck, Hannah, they've been hell for us. We've been hunted, shot at, kidnapped, lost, starving--not to mention dehydrated and sick--and...we've made it this far." He said to me, truning and giving me eye contact. I refused to meet it until I felt feathers of finger tips touch my chin and tilt my head up. "I get how hard this is for you. I get that you need time and space but...."

My heart was speeding up by his statements. I wanted to speak and tell him that it's been worse but for some reason I didn't. The moment felt too intimate and raw for me to even consider ruining it. Andrew was talking, and for once in my life I would let him finish without interrupting him.

He sighed and brought his forehead to mine, shutting his eyes and breathing out. His breath fanned my face and I felt goosebumps rise on the back of my neck. He reopened his eyes and looked at me closely. I couldn't tell when he first walked in, but his eyes were bloodshot and he had bags under his eyes. It dawned on me that Andrew was not doing well, and I'd been to engrossed in my personal battle to realize it.

"I get that you're hurting. I get that you're sad and you're tired." He whispered to me, using both his hands to cup my cheeks. He pulled back to look at me intently, and my heart shattered the moment I saw tears leak down his cheeks. "But so am I. The only reason I've made it this far is because of you. Because I need you Hannah, so much that it terrifies me. I've never needed someone's presence in my life as much as I've needed yours. These past days have been hell for you, but shit hannah, these last days I've been suffering. I can't do this without you."

I hadn't realized I've been crying till I felt a tear drop land on my bare thigh.
I bit my lip to stop crying and wrapped my hands around his, trying to comfort him the best I could. I've been selfish the past few lonely days. The thought that Andrew has been suffering not once crossed my mind, and I felt horrible. He says he needs me, but in actuality I need him.

How do I respond to that? How do I apologize for making him suffer without even knowing I was? My heart sank slightly at my loss of words. Say something! Anything!

"I love you." I told him, releasing my hands and going to hug him. I buried my face into his chest, and I got scared when I didn't feel him return the hug. My worries faded, however, when I felt him wrap his muscular arms around me tightly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." He said, lifting my legs so I sat on his lap. "We suffered. We were alone. Now it's time to be together. You give me strength, Hannah Banana."

A small smile played at my lips when I heard my old nickname. "You give me strength, also."

He pulled back and studied me. "Did you mean it?" He asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Did you mean it? Do you love me?"

I frowned at the odd question. I wouldn't tell someone I loved them if I didn't.

"I--"

"I've been through hell and back, the last thing I need is someone toying with my emotions."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I meant it, you idiot. I love you."

He stilled and cupped my cheeks.

"Say it again." He pleaded, his eyes displaying his lack of security.

"I love you." I said to him. "I love you, Andrew."

He grinned, his smile throwing me off before he crushed his lips to mine.

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