Tainted

46: Tainted

Sunday October 5

Vee

Everything seems louder and lonelier in the night. The thoughts in my head, the creak of the stairs, my fist-sized heart hammering in my chest... The hollow in my stomach where the butterflies have died.

Everything seems louder and lonelier in the night, and I've come to realize it's simply because of absence in what we desire.

If you close your eyes and listen to the rain dance upon the shingles of your roof, that absence will consume you.

You learn that the hard way.

No matter how many days pass by, living in a city that rarely ever shined only gave you the chance to admire the puddles that formed on the pavement of the lonesome urban streets.

I allow my lids to drop, I feel the thunder rumble in my eardrums; they rattle my bones and fill my stone heart with an echo.

And I've come to realize, that this is how you finally come to learn that it's acceptable to be absent of what you desire.

Because even the skies sulk and cry. And no matter how much the sun tries to shine through the grey, everything is still dark and lonely.

Although acceptable, being grey is something nobody ever wants to be. Stuck, all while still absent of the one thing we want most, trapped in the purgatory of in between.

I waited with my knees tucked into my chest. The tears were already falling, yet I had no control over them.

This couldn't have been happening... Not again.

My phone blared, alarming me that the five minutes were up and the two tests I'd taken were sitting on my bathroom counter, waiting to determine the rest of my life.

I slowly rose from the cold floor, my thoughts scrambled with words of prayer, worries and memories I didn't dare want to think about.

Though there was a small voice in my head that seemed to know already what the outcome would be.

It's yours... Your own baby. She was bouncing up and down with joy, her hands cupping her nonexistent bump and twirling around in circles.

I approached the bathroom, stepping through the threshold with my eyes squeezed shut.

My eyes peeled open slowly and I glanced down at the two tests, perched menacingly on the countertop and I wondered to myself how something made out of plastic could be so unforgiving, ultimately possessing all the power I didn't have.

"No..." I mumbled, picking up the tests in my hands. "No, no, no, no, no..."

The bile rose up my throat and I slumped to my knees, clutching the tests in my hands.

Positive. They were both positive.

"Oh, God, please..." I choked out, yanking on my hair. "Please."

The entire bathroom was spinning. My head fell into my hands, screams ripping from the back of my throat.

But like always, no one heard me.

"How could you, Val?" he breathed, his fave stained with all of the tears I wished I hadn't caused. "You cheated on me? You fucking cheated on me?"