In French

Chapter Thirty six

   A month passed by and I was beginning to really fear for my relationship with Philip. Dealing with Cécile was easy compared to making up with him, it was every time I was about to take the final steps towards him and wrap my arms around him I was flooded with the image of him holding Cécile and running his hands up and down her body and how much of what he said to me was true? I was willing to compromise on a lot of things but sharing my husband was really testing me.

    I sent a lot of letters to Josepha asking for her opinions and advice. She seemed distraught and upset on my behalf about the mistress problem and tried to sympathise and calm me down but all I wanted was a cure for my broken heart and envy towards Cécile. It made me feel queasy that I actually envied the girl but if I still looked like her then Philip would not have been swayed.

    “Anna,” Philip pulled me into an empty room and closed the door. “I cannot do this any longer. Please, just forgive me for my sin?” And he astounded me by getting down onto his knees and taking my hands in his as if I was his King. “Please? Forgive me as your humble servant.”

    “Philip,” I sighed trying to pull my hands out of his grip. “Get to your feet.”

    “No, not until we sort this out.” He was stubborn when he wanted to be but then that was my husband.

    “It-it is hard. I want to be near you and for things to return to as they were before but you will not give her up and all I can think about is you trailing your hands tenderly along her outlines and kissing her neck. You love her Philip and yet you are the one and only man that I have ever looked at. You are my everything.”

    He got to his feet then, forehead creased and he tried to kiss me but I jerked my head backwards from him. “I have made a state of things.” He agreed.

    “Why could you not have talked to me?” I asked so quietly. “We should have been there for each other and you ran straight into her arms instead.”

    “Oh come on,” he rolled his eyes, “the whole outcome was stitched together by my adviser.”

    “Philip…Philip I love you.” I could not bring myself to look at him when I said that. “With my entire heart.”

    “You are my heart!” He agreed and when we made eye contact I actually saw tears shining in his eyes, he was so pumping with passion. “Anna, my Rosanna, you know this. No one could ever compare to you. I devote everything to you.”

    I swallowed, “please Philip? Share my bed and only bed.”

    He fell over words for a minute before changing the subject slightly. “If we are to repair our marriage we have to let this mistress thing slide now or it will only ever build into something ugly and it will ruin us.” I know that he was speaking the truth and it hurt my pride and heart to have to agree with him but I forced myself to nod. “Good. You know how sorry I am. I will be forever making it up to you for the rest of my life, I know that. Gladly I will. I love you.” He kissed both of my hands. “I love you I love you.” He brought his mouth to meet mine, holding my face delicately in between his hands and with us both crying we kissed passionately.

    And he did make it up to me. He would bring me huge bouquets of massive flowers and jewels and wrote me love letters as well. I kept them all, I even rewrote one and sent it to Josepha to show her how sorry he really was. It was relaxing to see my children become more at ease now that their parents were together and happy and zealously in love. Madly so. My world and life was entirely Philip. I strongly believed that he was what kept me planted to this earth. I told Josepha as much.

    A few weeks later I went into labour again. “It is time.” I told Philip after we had eaten and he had planted kisses over my stomach and then a few on my mouth. “I love you Philip!” I threw my arms around his neck before gathering my ladies and heading to my chamber to get undressed into my shift.

    It was a long labour that started not long after breakfast and I was still struggling with it well into the darkness of night. I was so pale and smothered in sweat. The courtiers were excited but bored at the same time, they had been stood milling about all day. At least my children were not in the room, I would have hated them to have to watch me give birth.

    “You have a tough one.” The midwife smiled as she checked me out again. “The time to push will be soon.”

    “It really hurts.” I whined before the rolling unbearable pain rolled into me and was almost crippling, I brought my chin to touch my chest as I pushed with all my might.

    “No no!” The midwife protested. “Not yet. A few more then you can push.” So I had to endure more pain then she gave me the order to push. I was shaking I was shoving down that hard, my eyes clenched shut and I could barely breathe either. There was pain, it was an enormous amount of pain, I hadn’t even know I could feel that kind of pain. “Good girl. Keep going.” The midwife was saying.

    I did as I was told, panting then pushing and then it was strange I felt a lot of warm wetness. There was a strong whirring in my ears and people were moving about, the courtiers talking loudly. “Air, let the air in.” Someone said. Their rushing about and mutterings were making me nervous and all I could feel was pain and this wetness pooling all down my bed and legs.

    “Blood.” I picked up, my breaths were coming out shorter by the second and I was already finding everything too much of a struggle. “Too much blood.” Philip? Where was Philip? My baby? How was my baby? Had it been delivered yet? The last thing I ever did was strain my ears listening ferociously for the sound of my baby but I was never granted with that solace. I never knew if it was a boy or girl or whether it lived or died. Everything dissolved into blackness and burning hot light all at the same time.