The Adventures of James Dean.

21.

Nice.

That word was never in my vocabulary before. I guess I wanted more than that. I associated 'nice' with boring things like Rusty and Carmella hiking on a Sunday together without the kids, and couples who liked to cuddle. Nice wasn't really enough for me. I needed great, amazing, and 'shit hot' to get my jets fired up.

But our afternoon, or rather what was left of our afternoon, was pretty nice. And I say that because it was enjoyable and chilled out and for the first time I got what nice meant. Nice meant no pressure, no distractions, nobody but Kennedy and I. And that's what this was. After our elongated beach stroll, we ordered pizza. Okay so when in Spanish waters I guess paella might have been a bit more authentic, to get the true taste of this part of the world, but Kennedy wanted pizza. Her appetite was slowly returning at just beyond thirteen weeks, and I was only too happy to indulge her craving. We returned to the couch and consumed a whole extra large meat feast pizza, hot wings and a whole garlic and cheese pizza. I think we pretty much stank the house out but we were full, and she was happy.

Damn I loved seeing her smile.

We wound up watching Disney's 'Up' subtitled in Spanish on some obscure tv station, and she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder around eight. That's when the guys rolled in. They were all drunk as skunks, and I was thankful for it, because it meant they completely ignored us and after a quick shower, they headed right back out again. I didn't feel even a hint of jealousy. Once upon a time i'd have been stuffing my wallet with condoms and foregoing my boxers for quick access later. Instead, I stroked her hair. It felt like spun silk, slipping through my fingers and she nuzzled closer, so I wrapped my arm around her, till her head was against my heart. This felt alien, at the same time I felt like I was in control. And like right now, I was needed. Taking out my phone I flipped through my contacts. I knew what I wanted to do, but I felt a little chicken.

More than a little chicken.

I hadn't spoken to her in weeks. Not for lack of trying.

On the second ring, she picked up and I didn't know what to say.

'Hello James? Hellooooo'

'Jen. Hi sis, it's me.'

Silence.

'Hi.'

'Listen Jen, I need to say sorry.' I babbled.

'No, no you don't, I need to apologise. I mean a lot of what I said, I meant, but not that you're toxic and I know you're not a sex addict. I was lashing out. Can you hold on a second?'

I heard her moving around and then the sound of a door clicking shut.

'I don't wanna talk while Lucas is around.....not about this. Are you in Ibiza?'

Somehow, I didn't need a GPS tracking device where Jen was concerned. She just always knew. Twintuition.

'Yeah. I'm in Ibiza.....Jen is there something wrong? Something I can help with?'

She sighed, I heard it, and it hurt. She was upset. I was all the way out here. She'd been suffering through something, I could tell. So now I was the outsider, instead of the person she turned to at 2am when she needed someone to lean on.

'Jenny?'

'I uh.....well Lucas and I want kids so we went for all the tests just as a precaution.'

'Okay?' I didn't know where this was going but there was desperation in her tone.

'I'm not fertile....even in the slightest, James.'

I swallowed. Jen wanted kids. She'd always wanted kids. Now I understood. She didn't have to tell me why she'd come down on me like she had. Something she'd always believed would happen somehow had been ripped from her. And it felt like a knife in the heart, because she was my sister and I loved her like nobody else.