The Adventures of James Dean.

30.

I am a rookie. I'm the first to admit that when it comes to relationships I suck. I'd have better luck learning chinese whilst attending a cookery course and juggling. Jen left me alone with my thoughts and after answering a stream of emails, I emptied my spam folder. My hand shook as I spotted her name, and managed to recover the two messages she'd sent. What the fuck was wrong with me. One, just a day after my little faux pas. I felt like a complete tool. Fucking idiot.

I read it aloud, my voice sounded strained and distant.

James,

I think things went a little too fast for us. I got swept away with the idea of us, and I think you did too. I had to get that out there, this isn't easy for me. Not when you're the father of my baby.

I've had time to think now, and I'm not angry. You were dealing with a crisis, you still are, and I should have been sensitive to that. I just didn't want to be part of the circus. I'm not comfortable with what people are saying about you, and what they might say about me. Maybe I'm a coward but this is not my life. I don't dine on rooftops in London. I don't need those beautiful, grand gestures. I just need honesty, communication and trust. Remember the bowling alley? That was me.

I need you to know that I was not involved with whatever floored Radspace. I would never hurt you. I'd never

This is the one time in my life when I need stability and its not fair to expect that from you right now. You're hurting, I know it, and as much as I want to be there, I need to protect my heart. I hope you understand that. As much as I want to help build you up, I'm so afraid it will only break me down in the end. You'll be an incredible father, I believe that now. I really do. In time we will work something out.

I don't know why this hurts so much, to remove you from my life. It's not fair that I feel this way, when I always vowed to stay as far away from you as possible.

Take care, best of luck with everything James.

K x

I stopped reading long enough to wipe the tears from my eyes. So I'd ruined everything. I didn't know the rules, didn't know the winning game plan. I could charm the panties off a stranger but I couldn't keep Kennedy around. I didn't know how to play things with this woman and it showed. I'd made mistakes more than once and in the end all I was doing, was messing with her head. As much as I wanted to slip inside her, as much as I wanted to taste her firm volumptuous tits, I wanted to hold her. I wanted to stroke her soft, silken mane. I wanted to kiss her belly and....

James.

Had my scan today. If you want to know the sex, click on the image. Everything is perfect. Baby is growing fast and still waving and kicking and being gorgeous.

K x

I clicked the image. I'd had a serious lack of good news recently.

My heart hammered as the image loaded, and right there, with pink writing in comic sans font, was written;

'Baby Girl Dean.'

A daughter. I was having a little girl. My stomach flipped and I took in the image, the profile of her face becoming clearer, a little button like nose drawing my attention. I just knew she'd be a cutie, a cherub like face and chubby cheeks. God she was beautiful. I ran my thumb over the image, desperate to call Kennedy. To thank her for sending me the image.

And for growing my child.

And I constructed a reply.

Kennedy,

I know you're staying with Jen, and I'm glad. She's the best, and lucky for you, she's nothing like me. I understand why you're mad at me, I'm mad at me too, I'm furious. It's no excuse, but I've lived for me for so long, always putting my needs first, that I forgot about you. In all the chaos all I was thinking about were my overheads, my profits, my company. I forgot all about you, and the baby. I let my obsessive personality lead me to the conclusion that you were involved. The same way I got myself in trouble hitting Beaumont, and those times when I blew up at you for not answering your phone. I'm insecure. I never thought I'd say it but I am. On the outside I'm some rich playboy with a penchant for anything luxurious and on the inside, I'm isolated from anything that could possibly evoke emotion from me. I'm a lonely, sad, loser and I didn't appreciate our time in London. Not enough. You were there one hundred percent, but I never am. I'm always thinking about the next deal, and I'm forgetting to breathe. To just live. To be thankful for what I have.