The Adventures of James Dean.

32.

I didn't feel like I was floating on clouds, I didn't see any pearly gates and as far as I was aware, I didn't have wings. I felt pretty glum about that, if there were any perks to being an angel, surely flying was at the top of that list. But then maybe I wasn't in heaven. Maybe I was in hell, punished for my life of gluttony, of jumping from woman to woman. But it didn't feel fiery and hot. I didn't feel the wrath of pitch forks nor hear the sounds of Wagner.

I tried to open my eyes but they stayed firmly shut, and I knew I was crying because I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. Could angels cry?

Then someone squeezed my hand.

I swallowed, and suddenly realized that something was in my throat. And panic coursed through me. The tears intensified and I choked on whatever was forced down my oesophagus.

Then everything faded again.

......................

I dreamt about her. Our daughter was three years old, splashing in the bath tub as her mother styled her hair in the mirror, turning around to give me a coy smile. I went to her, wrapping my arms around her, nose burrowed into her neck, inhaling her perfect scent. And my little girl, there she was, holding her arms out, calling for me, but I was dragged away. I felt myself being pulled from the scene. Strong arms dragging me backwards, and I screamed, over and over.

'You can't make me leave them! I won't leave them.'

Tears painted my face, I could feel the cool air against my cheeks as they dried and my heart vibrated in my chest. If I wasn't already dead this would have killed me. I didn't want to leave them, but they faded away and I called for them. I screamed for my girls.

'Kennedy! Fiona!'

I felt my hands shaking, and as my eyes blinked a few times, light bled in through the cracks, bright white light shining against my eyeballs. Shit it hurt. It felt like my retinas were being melted.

Was this the bright light of heaven?

So I wasn't dead before, but now I was?

'James.' A far off, strange voice interrupted my thoughts. 'James, you're safe. My name is Doctor Singh.'

Doctor Singh? Do they have doctors in heaven?

Course not stupid. You're in a hospital. You've been horribly injured. Maybe paralyzed.

Clark Sable. He shot me.

I felt more tears. What was wrong with me? You never saw Sly or Arnie sobbing when they came around in hospital beds. Be a man you fucking idiot.

'James, can you hear me?'

I heard a groan, then realized it was me.

'Good. This is great news. We're happy to have you back.'

'How....how long....' I croaked. I sounded like I'd swallowed a box of rusty nails. But I could speak.

'Eleven weeks.'

It was Kennedy, Kennedy was here. My Kennedy! Her voice was like a warm blanket on a cold day. I wasn't alone.

'You're awake.' I heard the sob in her voice, and then the tenderness of a kiss that touched my jaw.

'You're not out of the woods yet, James.' Warned the doctor, and I could barely see, the brightness searing my eyes, and that made me cry again. Shit I just wanted to see her, I wanted to see so badly. Why couldn't I see?

'You were shot three times, one bullet perforated a major artery, one impacted with your spinal column and the other punctured your stomach. You've been in a medically induced coma to ensure you healed as best you could, but we have no idea what we are dealing with. We'll need to run tests to see if you've suffered any damage to your central nervous system and to what extent the spinal damage has affected you.'

I nodded. I could nod. That was good, right? It was a good sign?

'I'll leave you two alone.' I heard soft rubbed soles slapping the floor, and then the sound of a door closing. He left me with Kennedy. Shit I wanted to see her so badly.

'I can't see. I can't see.' Why the fuck couldn't I stop crying? I heard her get out of her chair, and then the brightness faded away, grey grainy textured objects morphed into a TV screen, and a framed picture of a bouquet of flowers, and then an arrangement of chairs around my bed.

And Kennedy.

Oh God. My eyes streamed, running from her feet, up her jean clad legs, and to her.....

Our baby. Her stomach was far bigger than I remembered, a beautiful round belly. She must be approaching thirty weeks. I'd missed so much. She looked incredible, more beautiful than I remembered.

'Kennedy.' I croaked, and she came to me, throwing her arms around my body, and my weak arms barely had the strength to hold her back. I felt useless. Completely and utterly. She kissed my cheeks and then my lips, my dry lips, sipping from her kisses, taking every sliver of affection she offered, and her tongue met mine, caressing me.

'I missed you too.' She said, thickly. 'I read your email. Over and over and over. I've missed you so much.'

Her face was in view, gaining definition by the second as my eyes adjusted to the light. Her brown eyes glazed with tears, her lips swollen from our kiss, her cheeks pink from the emotion. She kissed me again, lowering her face to mine, and cupping my cheeks in her hands.

'I knew you'd wake up.' She swallowed, running her hands over my stubbled chin. 'Your Dad, he's not doing so good, but I've been here every day, you drive me crazy but I couldn't leave you.'

I blinked away tears, 'But he's okay, I mean Dad's alright, he's not sick or....'

'No, no, he just quit his job and he's not sleeping.'

'Oh Dad.' I felt the emotion welling inside me. 'What about Jen?'

'She quit her job too.....she's been running Radspace. It's not what you remember, she moved everyone out of the building and into the Summers and Gold building. A guy working there read your story in the news and he pulled a few strings. Benjamin Lennox?'

I nodded, processing this information. Eleven weeks was a fucking long time. And she'd been here every day. Almost three months of sitting by my bedside. Sweet, amazing, incredible Kennedy.

'And Sable?' I had to say it. I had to. I had to ask.

She ran her fingertips across my lips and I felt a surge of pure need course through me like a river of erotic electricity.

'He won't see the light of day again.' She whispered, and she brought her lips to my ear. 'I know what you did. I know what you did for all of us, when it mattered most.'

She raised her head and met my eyes, and a tear trickled down her cheek. 'I know that you put yourself in harms way. Jen can't stop recalling it, and how you told her about our baby girl. Maybe that's why I couldn't stay away, maybe that's why I agreed to stay with you. Because I knew this was inside.'

She laid her hand on my heart, and just that simple gesture had me flying towards cloud nine. 'You're a good guy, you are, you just need some...modifications.'

She made me laugh, but in doing so, my ribs protested, and she hushed me with one finger to my lips.

'So you want to give this decrepit bastard another chance?' I used one weak hand to gesture to myself, and she smiled, a sad half smile that tore at my heart strings like nothing else.

'I don't know yet, I don't know. I guess we just see how this plays out.'

'I guess we do.'

At that moment, she took my insecurities, that crushing blow she'd dealt by being so unsure about us, and wiped it all away in one fell swoop. Placing my limp hand against her stomach, and I felt something. A rolling, turning kick, our daughter pushing against Kennedy's stomach. And then it happened again. This time it was a jab, and then another.

'She likes Daddy's voice.' Kennedy stuttered, 'She never kicks like that for anyone else.'

I felt her fingers on my face, wiping away the tears of sheer joy as I reveled in a moment that I wanted tattooed in my mind, forever.