Haunted By You

Chapter 7 You Are Not Atlas

Lexa pulled Clarke close, the blonde girl's head on her chest, making sure Clarke's ear was over her heart, hoping Octavia was right and it would calm her princess. She played with her sunshine hair as she tried to calm herself down. She pulled herself together after a few minutes and began to wonder why Clarke would inflict harm on herself like this. A group of ten. And another of six. Going to be seven. Her forehead creased and her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What had that boy-Murphy- said? Today would have been day seven. Lexa gasped. Clarke had been adding a scar every day since she hadn't woken up.

She thought about Clarke's outburst earlier. I had to do CPR for like ten minutes. She felt tear leak from her eyes, Clarke was hurting herself because she blamed herself. Lexa's death had hung over her like a knife waiting to drop.

She pulled Clarke closer and buried her face in her hair, inhaling Clarke's scent as her body shook. She had almost lost her. Her Skai Prisa. Clarke was here...but she was hurt. Lexa couldn't hold back the sob that left her body. Clarke was hurt by her own hand... because of her. The noise must have woken Clarke, because she groaned and her eyes fluttered open. When she saw Lexa's wet cheeks she frowned, "What's wrong?"

"I almost lost you, Clarke. I almost lost my Skai Prisa." Clarke kissed the tip of Lexa's nose, wiping away the last of the brunette's tears. "I'm right here. I promise you, I'm not going anywhere." Lexa nodded, burying her face in Clarke's neck, kissing her sweet spot and receiving a small moan in return. She smiled and kissed her one more time before whispering into her ear, "None of your scars could ever make me love you any less, Clarke." Clarke let out a small sob of her own, feeling the relief she hadn't felt in a long time. Lexa knew. She understood.

Lexa knew Clarke's instinct for dealing with pain was, at most, shivering, her eyes squeezed shut and her breathing labored, trying to deal with grief and pain, but now allowing herself to cry. She also knew Clarke had been doing that for far too long now, and that it was eating her alive every day. Lexa shifted Clarke in her arms until she was sitting up with Clarke across her lap, allowing the blonde to finally release her emotions as the first tear of many fell.

Her shoulders shook as she sobbed like a drowning man needing air. She whimpered and moaned in sadness and pain and relief, her breath was labored as she gulped for air, her lungs rummaging for oxygen. She buried her head in Lexa's chest as she finally accepted giving in to her torment. Her chest hurt from the force of her sobs, her whole body was hot, and her mind conjured up memories and scenarios which kept the tears flowing. Lexa held her tightly, whispering in her ear, "Let it out, Clarke. It's okay. Don't hold it in anymore. I'm here."

She waited until the worst of it was seemingly over before pulling her back and holding Clarke's face in her hands, peppering small kisses all over her burning face. Clarke's face was red and blotchy, her usually striking blue eyes were bloodshot and puffy. The sight caused a lump to form in Lexa's throat. She looked broken, beaten down, Lexa's Atlas was finally allowing herself to be crushed by the world.

They sat in silence for a while when Clarke spoke, her voice scratchy and cracking, "I'm sorry." Lexa shook her head, kissing Clarke quickly on the lips, squeezing her eyes shut, "Don't be. Never apologize. Not to me, Clarke." She sniffled and nodded. Lexa smiled and giggled, Clarke looked like a cute little kid when she did that, "I bear it so they don't have to." Lexa felt her face fall and her own eyes begin to water, "Clarke, you are not Atlas; you cannot shoulder the world alone."

----------------------------------------------------

They laid together in silence, the occasional gust of wind sweeping through the room, content to just be in each other's presence. Lexa was lying on her back, Clarke was lying on her side. She was curled into Lexa's side, her head on her shoulder. "Clarke?" She looked up into Lexa's forest green eyes, "Yeah?" Lexa looked down, a slight blush on her cheeks, "Do you think you could get me a book?" Clarke smiled and kissed Lexa's cheek, "Of course."

She stood and crossed the room, going to the bookshelf, glancing at the titles and tracing her fingers against the worn leather spines. She smiled when she recognized one of her favorites. She pulled it out and grabbed her sketchbook before returning to her previous place in Lexa's bed. "Here. It's one of my favorites. My dad used to read it to me." "It's one of my favorites as well." Lexa replied, opening The Odyssey with a small, appreciative smile.

Clarke opened to a fresh, blank page in her sketchbook. Her sketchbook was almost full now, it was her one from the ark, her mom had brought it down. It had sketches from back when she was younger and had just started up drawing all the way until now. It even contained some of her father's art. It was one of her most prized possessions along with her father's watch, which she now wore around her ankle so it wasn't lost or damaged.

Her hand moved across the page in short confident strokes. She laid down a few of the main lines, smudging them with her fingers for shading. She filled in a place for a nose, some eyes, a mouth and a chin. She didn't want to do a full portrait, she didn't have the time or patience at the moment. She kept the eyes the darkest feature, leaving most of the page a blank white. She finished the outlines and started filling in details, working in small sections, her hand flying across the page and back again. She bit her lip and furrowed her brow in concentration as she focused on detailing the eyes. Needing them to live up to their inspiration. Some time later, she stopped to admire the work she had done, before going back and smudging out all of the lines, dragging shadows around the face. She smiled when she was done, it was actually a really great piece. She signed it with a line and her signature, CGriff. She had chosen her signature  when her father had told her to always sign her art, and after watching her dad sign so many pieces as a child she observed his signature the way only an artist can. He had always drawn a straight line and the signed everything with JGriff.

She jumped when Lexa spoke, "It's beautiful." Clarke blushed and looked down, "Um...thanks." Lexa shifted closer, trying to get a better look, "Can I see the others?" Clarke's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open slightly as her hand went instinctively to cover up the book. "Um...I...I don't..." Lexa laughed lightly, "It is okay to say no, Clarke." But she didn't want Lexa to think that she wanted to keep them secret or something, "It's not that I don't want you to see them, it's just... there are some of them...in the beginning..." Lexa pecked her lips, "It's alright, my love. You will show them to me when you are ready." Clarke nodded, "Thank you."

*AN* Another chapter! I needed something cute and fluffy after the last couple chapters.

Thanks so much for reading, voting, and commenting!

Until next time,

"Don't forget you're human. It's okay to have a meltdown. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and refocus on where you are headed."