Haunted By You

Chapter 22 Nerves

The water was hot against her cool skin, stinging as it flooded over her wounds. She groaned, trying to pull away from the sensation. "Clarke." She knew that voice. "Lexa?" She mumbled. She felt a kiss being placed on the back of her neck. "Open your eyes, Clarke."

She slowly opened her eyes, squinting against the morning light. Slowly, she took in her surroundings, trying to piece together what had happened. She remembered training with Lexa, Octavia, and Lincoln. Then, Lexa got called away to separate a fight in the market. And the man that was watching her, Uzac, tried to kill her. She remembers her sword in her hand as she slit his throat and the tears on her cheeks when she closed his eyes.

She recalls a blurry memory of pain in her spine...and then nothing. Looking around the room, Clarke noticed that she and Lexa were in the bath together and that it was morning, but she knew she had fought Uzac in the early evening. She looked back at Lexa and shook her head slowly, "I don't...what happened?"

Lexa pulled her closer, until Clarke's head was resting on her shoulder, "You mother told me you might not remember. I can't fill in everything for you, but I do know that you were supposed to come back from the training grounds with Lincoln and Octavia. And about an hour or so after you were supposed to be back, I saw them in the market getting their swords sharpened. I asked them where you were and they told me you hadn't come back with them and they hadn't seen you.

So I did what I thought was logical and looked around the market for you, I know you like to wander around the streets there sometimes. But I didn't find you and anyone I asked said they hadn't seen you since the morning.

I gathered some of my warriors and we were about to leave to go look for you, when I saw you. You were walking towards me, going through one of the main streets, carrying the dead body of my Ambassador over your shoulder. I will admit that my anger flared, Polis is a city that I keep untouched from the violence of daily life. I got you inside and got some of my anger out, yelling at you."

She knew she wasn't supposed to see the tear fall down Clarke's face, but she did. And she reached up gently to wipe it away. "I apologize, Clarke. I know taking a life is not easy for you, and I'm sorry that I made it worse." Clarke shook her head, telling Lexa it wasn't her fault, by lost in the memories. She remembered now, the pain as her mother and the other healer worked on her injuries. She remembered watching as the life faded from Uzac's eyes.

She brought a hand up to cover her mouth as a broken sob made it's way out of her throat. Her chest heaved as more followed and she let the tears fall, rippling the surface of the water. "Clarke." Lexa called softly behind her. Clarke shook her head, self conscious about Lexa seeing her break apart like this.

But Lexa knew that this is what Clarke needed to do, to shatter so completely that she had no choice but to put herself back together stronger.

She put her hands underneath Clarke and lifted her slightly, moving her from where she had been sitting between Lexa's legs to now sitting sideways across her lap. She gently pried Clarke's hand from her face and held it in her own, the other coming to cup Clarke's cheek. "I'm here, Clarke. You do not have to hide this from me. It is okay to feel for those lives that you have ended.

Clarke knew that what Lexa was actually saying was that it was okay for her to cry in front of her. That she wouldn't leave.

So she let go. She released every ounce of pain she had been carrying around since she came to the ground. She cried with such a raw undertone, like all the pain she had been harboring was from a still open wound.

Maybe it was, Lexa thought as she held her, each loss was an open wound on her soul that Clarke had refused to stitch. Clarke buried her head into Lexa's neck and wrapped her arms around her waist. Lexa held her tightly, refusing to let her go as she trembled with the force of her sobs.

When Clarke had quieted some time later, she silently sat limp against Lexa's strong form, refusing to meet her eyes. Lexa took a deep breath and let it out. She kissed Clarke forehead and squeezed her hand. She smiled sadly when she received a weak squeeze back.

The water was getting cold, and Lexa didn't want Clarke to get sick, so she tried to bring the blonde back from her thoughts. "Clarke?" When blue eyes finally turned to meet hers, they were filled with grief, loss, and devastation. She recognized it as the face of someone who had suffered before and didn't know if they could do it again.

"The water is chilling, Ai Hodnes. Let's go to bed." Clarke nodded and stood, stepping out of the tub and wrapping a warm fur around her shoulders to dry off. Her brows pulled down in confusion and she looked at Lexa, who had followed her out of the tub and was drying off. "My leg." She said, her voice scratchy from screaming, "I can't- I can't feel anything."

Lexa nodded slowly, not knowing how Clarke would react to the news. "The dagger hit your spine, Clarke. Abby said there was damage to the nerves." Clarke nodded as a tear escaped down her face. Lexa was quick to brush it away and kiss her cheek, "It will come back."

Clarke said nothing, knowing the chances were slim. She closed her eyes and kissed Lexa's cheek before stepping back. She dropped her wet fur to the ground and limped back to the bedroom. Lexa followed and then led her to their bed, peeling back the furs and climbing in, her arms open and waiting from the blonde.

Clarke laid down and Lexa spooned her, wrapping an arm around her waist and the other brushing soothingly through her hair. Clarke snuggled down into the furs, enjoying the feeling of Lexa's skin on hers.

As she was nodding off, she remembered that she still didn't know what time it was, "Hey, Lexa." She mumbled. "Yes, Clarke?" "What day is it?" "You only slept through the night, Hodnes. You're fight was yesterday." Clarke nodded, but then continued, "Should you be up and doing all your commandery things?" Lexa chuckled, "I requested not to be bothered today. Today I am staying here with you."

Clarke smiled, "I love you." Lexa kissed the back of her head, "I love you too, Clarke. Now rest. We can talk more when you wake."