Don't Let Me Go || l.s.

Chapter 20 - I Hate That I Love You

A/N: I have screwed up this story beyond belief, but enjoy.

Louis slowed down as he pulled onto the hill, seeing another car there which made him furrow his eyebrows. No one knew about this place . . . it was kind of like a secret place, or that's what he considered it. It was his and Harry's spot, only theirs. Somewhere only they knew, and Louis wanted desperately to keep it that way. But the car sure did look familiar. His head lights were dimmed but he could still make out the figure of someone turning to face where the lights were coming from. He pulled up next to the other car and shut off the engine, slowly getting out of his car.

Instantly, his breath caught in his throat as he got a better sight of who was sitting on the hill.

“H-Harry?”

The silence in the air was suffocating between the two ex lovers, minutes felt like years as they stood their place feet away from each other, not uttering a word. Sounds of chirping crickets were heard from a distance, and a ways way down the hill were cars passing through the city, on a journey to wherever. Harry was the first to make a move, however, taking a hesitant step in Louis’ direction. His heart felt like it was breaking in two whenever Louis took a step backwards. 

“Louis, just let me explain, please.” Harry’s voice cracked as he finished speaking, letting out a quiet whimper that went unheard by Louis. Whenever Louis didn’t speak up, Harry let out a shaky breath while running his fingers through his unruly curls that seemed like they needed a good comb-through. “I just-fuck, Louis. I was stupid. I was a stupid and inconsiderate screw up. My mind was clouded that night and just . . . shit. Maybe if I would have dealt with my problems like a man instead of going out and getting drunk to forget it all, we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now.”

Louis shifted on his feet, dropping his head down so his eyes were casted on the crisp green grass which, even in the moonlight, looked brighter than ever. He opened his mouth to speak, to let out all of the anger and just scream and shout at the boy who broke his heart, yet nothing but a breath of hot air came out. Why, Louis thought, at this time can I not find my voice? Maybe it was because of the pure shock of just seeing Harry there, or the overwhelming feeling of sadness that had washed over him just then. Or maybe it was knowing that this boy in his presence, his lover, had - to bluntly state it - fucked someone else other than him. 

What made this situation even more saddening, was that Louis felt empty. That was the only way to explain the feeling of having a hole in the middle of his stomach, in his heart. Louis had hoped that whenever he confronted Harry - which he didn’t think it was going to be so soon - he would get out all of the words he had gathered in his mind. The words he needed to say and get off of his chest that were eating him alive. But now, here he was, feet away from the one and only Harry Edward Styles, and he couldn’t seem to mutter a word.

I should’ve known, Louis thought as he felt a tear sliding slowly down his cheek, that he’d hurt me just like everyone else. Like Mikey and his friends, like Jonah from primary school who promised they’d been best friends forever and ever. Like all of the people who had snaked their way into Louis’ life, but ended up leaving sooner or later without so much as a reason or explanation, or hurt him physically and emotionally. The ones who pushed him down, the ones who made him feel worthless and like a piece of shit. The ones who had made him question what he did wrong. The ones that made Louis wonder why he could never be good enough.

Because at the moment, Louis knew he needed to speak. Something, anything.

And so he did.

“Was I never good enough for you?” He asked brokenly, raising his head to stare at Harry who was already looking straight at him. 

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but the words that were spoken next hadn’t came from his own mouth, but Louis’.

“I tried to be the best boyfriend that I could, you know? I tried to make you happy and keep you satisfied. Fuck, Harry, I gave myself to you but it was never good enough, was it? I was never good enough for you."

Parted lips opened then closed once more, it happened multiple times before Harry started shaking his head in disbelief. “N-no. What? Louis, no, fuck, you’re perfect. You’re everything I could ever want. Don’t-don’t ever think that way. I fucking love you!” 

“If you love me so much you wouldn’t have cheated on me!” Louis yelled, his breathing deep and heavy, tears now freely pouring from his eyes and cascading down his cheeks. He could taste the saltiness of the tears as they rolled down his parted lips where he was letting out heavy breaths, but he didn’t care. It felt good to yell, and for him to let out the tears he had been bottling up for a few days. It felt amazing to let out all of the feelings that he had been holding back. “I hate you.”

As soon as those words left Louis’ lips, Harry froze on the spot and he clenched and unclenched his fists. Those words. Those three words that felt like they were tearing him apart and ripping his heart to shreds, like a paper going through a shredding machine. 

“I want to hate you so fucking much, Harry, do you know that? I want to hate you for what you did to me. I want to hate your fucking curls and your dimples and your eyes. The way you hate strawberry ice cream but make an exception for neopolitan. Your love for every video game except Halo which I will never understand. I want to hate every Goddamn thing about you, but worst of all? I want to hate you for everything you’ve put me through. You have some sort of fucking spell on me and I want to hate that, but no matter how hard I try to hate you, I can’t. I could never hate you, despite your stupid decisions. Because I love you, damnit. I hate that I love you.”

It was like a huge weight got lifted off of Louis’ chest whenever he angrily explained to Harry how much he wanted to hate him, but couldn’t. But now, with tears streaming down his cheeks and breaths coming out in pants, Louis wants nothing more than to curl up in a ball and fucking die. The pain of Harry cheating on him was like nothing he had ever felt before, and as he stepped backwards towards his car, he could feel it in his bones.

“We just need a break Harry, that’s what we need. I need time to gather my thoughts and to be alone and you . . .” Louis paused, blinking away a few tears as he gripped the handle on the driver-side door. “You need to fucking sort out whatever shit is going on with you.” With that, he pulled open the door and slipped silently inside of the car, putting the key in the ignition but not without slamming the door shut first.

And as Harry stood there, watching as the headlights faded off into the distance, he knew that he had royally screwed things up.