The Heart of Alexander

Chapter Seventeen- Beneath the Surface

I stepped out of the home I spent the night in with Alexander, wrapping my robes tight around my body. I needed to get away from him. His own monsters seemed to have spread into my mind, tormenting me of the things he did to me, replaying the humiliating moments and the horror I endured. Tears stained my eyes from earlier. I was broken. Lost within myself. A shell. I was dirty. Used. An empty vessel left for Alexander to toy with. I was a nobody to my parents, to Alexander, being passed around like a trinket. Nobody cared, they never did. My life was there just for their mere entertainment. My mind raced violently and I could no longer think straight. All I wished for was peace. That was all I needed. 

I raced to the lake I waded into at my wedding the night before. My feet took me to the shimmering waters of the lake and I fell to my knees and wept by the waters. My tears seemed to flow with the waters, blending with them. How I wished I could dive into the lake, becoming apart of of its flow. I wanted to become a part of nature, not having a care in the world. I wanted to be anywhere but here. 

I took a pile of dirt into my hands, letting it crumble between my fingers. Crumbling just as my life was. I knew what I wanted to do. I began to stuff my bodice and robes with dirt and pebbles, making my pockets heavy. I filled every nook and cranny with pebbles and dirt until I was satisfied. I then stepped into the waters, my skin shivering from its coolness. I waded further into the lake, the dirt turning to mud in my bodice and the pebbles beginning to weigh me down. Soon enough, the water was up to my shoulders, pulling me even further down. I gladly welcomed it, stepping further, deeper into its depths. There was no hope left for me, for my people. I felt as though I was fighting an invisible war, trying to ignore the monsters tormenting me with every thought. Although I was still above water, I felt as though I was already drowning in my sadness. 

Finally, I was pulled beneath the surface of the water, my head submerged. I closed my eyes, letting out what was left of my breath, silence finally taking over. I felt at peace, looking up at the sun beams shinning through. What am I doing?, I thought, this won't solve any cause, nor will it help me or my people. I went to take a breath, but suddenly realized I was slowly drowning. 

I fought to swim free, but I had forgotten the weight of the rocks pulling me down. I pulled against the fabrics, attempting to free myself. I struggled deeply, sinking further down to the floor. I gasped, begging to breath. My vision blurred and my eyes became heavy as darkness began to swallow me whole. So this is how I will leave this world. 

All of a sudden, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, cradling me close. I thought it was death and I welcomed him wholeheartedly. Then, I felt the tearing of clothes. Was I free from the mounds of mud and rocks that kept me from life?, I thought. I felt limp in death's arms. 

At last, sweet oxygen filled my lungs as I breached the surface. I gasped and coughed the water that was left in my system. I looked up to see for the arms that held me securely belonged to none other than Alexander himself. I squirmed away from him, but he held my naked body tight to his chest as he took me back to the shore. There, he sat me down on the ground, unhooking his cape from his uniform and wrapping it around my shivering body. He tilted my chin up, looking into my eyes with pure worry. 

"What were you thinking, Roxana? You could have drowned! Have you lost your mind, woman?" he yelled, shaking me senselessly. 

I stayed still, stunned from his words. I was drowning. I was dying. I had welcomed death like he was my new savior. But he was instead he was the doom of my people. 

"Roxana! Listen to me, are you there? Roxana, are you hurt? Please answer me," he pleaded, desperation in his voice. 

I didn't know why or how, but I began to cry. His words brought tears to my eyes, one single tears slipping from the corner of my eye. After all these moons being his slave, his hostage. All these moons of feeling unwanted, feeling worthless. The first time in long time, my heart felt like if was beating, like I was finally alive. And of all people to make me feel this way, it was Alexander. Somehow, I clung to him, crying on his shoulder, tears dripping from my face. I felt him tense up before finally wrapping his arms tightly around my shivering body, pulling me into his lap and cradling me like baby. He was my savior, in more ways than one. 

"Roxana," he murmured into my wet hair. 

Even the way he spoke my name sounded like a song. We stayed like this for what felt like hours before we both shifted away from each other. I averted my eyes from him, but instead, he lifted my head up to look into his eyes. His eyes held so many emotions. Love, fear, worry, concern, desperation, loneliness. What was it that he was feeling? What was this that I was feeling? 

Let yourself love the monster. He needs you.

I wanted to be afraid of him now. I wanted to hate him for the things he did to me, not just for last night, but everything leading back to when he slaughtered Kiro. But somehow I couldn't. What was wrong with me? He was a killer. But at this moment, as I looked into his dark eyes, they were soft and caring, etched with worry and sincere in every way. No longer did I see the angry man, the killer who stole me away from all that I knew.   

Before I realized what I was doing, my body numbly leaned into him. In that exact moment, our lips touched, soft and sensually. There was no demand, no violence, no unyielded passion within the kiss. Instead, a plethora of emotions collided with the kiss. Longing, love, loss, loneliness, all the emotions I felt that seemed to match his own. His lips fit to mine perfectly and I refused to move away from his touch. His hands moved their way up to my cheeks, cupping my face tenderly as he kissed me. We broke away, breathless, looking into the eyes of one another. His eyes showed everything he tried so hard to keep secret. Feelings not even my words could possibly describe. Sympathy was etched into me. Somehow, this monster was making me feel again. Feelings I had thought were destroyed upon the day I left Sogdian Rock. 

All monsters were once like you, desperate and alone. But they embraced the other monsters inside their head.

Thinking back to my dream with Cassandra, I thought of Alexander's monsters. What made him embrace those monsters? What happened in his past to make so cold, so guarded from all? I wanted to know everything about him in that moment. His fears, his talents, his passions, all that he had to offer. But here he was, pouring his heart out without a single word leaving his lips. In response, I smiled. One brief moment of vulnerability came to light within us both, yet vanished into the darkness once more.  

With a blink of his eyes, all of his emotions were gone, replaced with those stone cold eyes, the veil he always wore. He quickly tore his eyes from me, standing up and moving away from me. My body shivered again without his touch. I stayed seated on the ground a moment longer, contemplating what just happened between Alexander and I. 

"Come on," he called. 

Sighing, I stood from my spot, following him back into the village where the rest of the men and hostages stayed. He gave his speech to his men, telling them we all had one more day within the village before we would move further east, onto the next land to conquer. As Alexander spoke, I stood alone, soaking wet and wrapped up in Alexander's red cape. I was given strange looks from both men and women, but to my own surprise, I wasn't embarrassed. I could hardly feel at all. My mind was somewhere else. 

Alexander saved me. He saved me when he could have let me drown, getting rid of me forever. He could have said it was an accident. He had plenty of reasons to leave me there for death to snatch me up. But he didn't.

Why?

Okay guys confession to make: this chapter  was an emotional mess for me. I have been very suicidal lately so actually, this chapter helped me to vent out some things. I have been struggled so much lately so yea sorry for not updating for awhile. But when Roxana explained in the beginning how she felt, well I am currently in Roxana's shoes and many of those words were just me describing my own feelings. So please don't hate on me for putting that in. Hope you enjoyed.