The Heart of Alexander

From a Broken Heart

So guys, I may need some time before I start writing some more again. I don't completely know yet. Yesterday I came upon the knowledge that the love of my life was cheating on me. I have been with him for so long, I didn't want to believe what I was seeing from text messages on his phone. 

My world feels as though it has crumbled. You may think this is exaggerating , but this is truly how I feel. The ground beneath my feet feel as though it was falling away into a dark abyss, leaving me nothing to hold on to except a small string of hope. I feel like I am no longer good enough. I know nothing about this girl. Is she more interesting? Was she prettier than me? What was it that was so captivating in his eyes that made him want to purposely cheat on me? What did I do wrong to make him want someone other than me?

I never thought I was pretty, caring, smart, and anything a guy would want. But then my Jake came into my life, and slowly I began to believe that maybe, just maybe, I might be all those things in his eyes. Now everything has disappeared in front of my eyes. Now I am a second choice, just piece of garbage thrown to the side. Maybe if I was thinner, maybe if I was more interesting, so many "maybe"s. The earth is shattering all around. My future with him feels like it will disintegrated in a moment's notice, all faith and trust in him completely vanished. 

Even now, I am in no mood to eat nor sleep. My mind just keeps replaying the same things. Why? Why wasn't I good enough? He knew exactly how committed I was to this relationship and how much I loved him, yet he risked it all for a little fling with a girl he barely knew. I never felt so humiliated in my entire life. 

All night last night I tried my hardest to forget all about him, make myself hate him with a fiery passion, but for some reason, I couldn't, which frustrated me even more. I tried to tell myself I didn't need him, the life would be better without him and I could make it on my own. I know I can make it on my own, but I know I won't truly be happy. Yet, it was just another night with a mascara stained pillow, puffy red eyes and nose, and reminiscing our memories together. 

It was like a commercial, the memories were constantly popping up out of nowhere. I cringe imagining all the things that were happening whenever I wasn't in the picture, yet at the same time, I wish I could go back to the time where I didn't have to know about her. I just couldn't get rid of the sound of his voice, the way he looked at me. I missed his face, his sweet touch, his voice and everything about him, but I know I shouldn't, which hurt me even more. I want to forget everything, but I can't as easily as I though I could. 

I built my life together with this man only to see it shatter in seconds. Somewhere along the lines just everything fell apart. In a blur of depression and anger and self hatred, I have lost apart of myself I will never get back because of him. 

I want to ball up my fists so tight that my knuckles become completely white, my nails digging into my palms. I want to feed into the anger that boils inside of me. The pain and anger comforts me oddly, because anger has been my constant. Anger is what I go to whenever something goes wrong, when I can't deal with things. Because if I let go of my anger, I would have to feel all the things I don't want to feel, I will feel the hurt and pain I don't want. 

With the hurt, I feel like I am suffocating. I am clawing at my throat, trying so hard just to breath. This was a blow to me; a punch in the stomach. In my mind, I am dangling from a cliff, just barely hanging on. I am slowly losing myself, falling into the deepest, darkest pit that I can never escape. I feel so confused, so lost, so alone. 

I need time and space before writing again. I am so sorry about all of this. I probably sound so dramatic. But I hope you guys understand. I am so sorry my lovelies.