Til'Death (BOOK III)

Chapter 8

"Baby it's gone be alright." Amaru rubbed my back as I sat in our garden tub crying.
I rocked back and forth with my knees to my chest. I couldn't believe what had just happened.
How could I go from joyful to dad just that quick. I instantly felt this was karma and all I could do was ask God to forgive me.
Amaru started to take off his clothes and sat down in front of me in the tub. He pulled me onto him and held me tight, as if I was going to disappear from his grasp. "It's gone be okay baby I promise. I love you." He said rocking back and forth with me as tears fell from both of our eyes.
"I love you too." I croaked.
Those were the only words I could get out all day.

"Tell us what's going on." Tee said sitting across from me.

"I don't know, we're just not the same anymore." I said fidgeting with my fingers.
"What do you mean by that?" Keisha asked.

"It's like, I love him and I know he loves me too, but we're not clicking like we used to. It's like I've gotten used to him being gone. The past year of our marriage we have drifted apart."  I said sipping my wine.

"Let me ask you this. How do you feel when you look at your husband?" Keisha asked in a very serious tone.

"When I look at my husband I think, of how much he's changed." I said looking down at my feet.

"Do you think that maybe you're the one that's changed?" Tee asked.
"Do you think I've changed?" I asked  wiping my eyes because I could feel tears forming.

"Well, you haven't been the cheerful, full of life Damita I've known you to be." Tee said grabbing my hand.

"You've been a little distant and quiet since before Amari's birthday party and you told me that you were going to the doctor." Keisha added.

"Is everything okay mini, is there anything you need to tell us?" Tee said putting her arms around my stomach to hug me.

I knew why I had been acting this way, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about it or not.

"I'm fine, but I will see you guys later. I need some time to think." I said grabbing my keys from the table. I hopped up off of the couch and walked out of the door.

Could I really be the reason that I feel like my marriage is slowly failing.

Am I the reason that I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore?

How can I feel like my husband doesn't love me when he can't keep his hands off of me?

At this point in my life , 26 years old I am very confused and I truly don't know what to do.

I sat in my car , crying and looking for an answer. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

These were the times when I would go talk to Mike. He was such a big part of both of our lives and since he's died I feel so alone.

I turned my phone off and drove my car to the front of the beach. I sat there for hours, crying and praying to God for an answer to my problems.

"Psst..." I heard somebody trying to get my attention. I looked around but I saw no one. "pssst..." They said again , but I still saw no one. "Back here!" they yelled. I turned around fast to see Mike in my backseat. I gasped almost at a loss for words.

"Look little girl, I can't keep on coming down here every-time you have a problem." He chuckled.

I laughed a little but I was still crying.
"I know what happened, you can't let that stop you sis. You know Amaru loves you." He said crossing over to front seat.
"You think I've changed brother?" I asked moving my hair from my face.

"Just a little bit." He said holding up his fingers to let me know how little he meant.
"You have to stop pushing him away like that. You gotta stop walking away from the problems because you don't want to argue. Sometimes you have to argue." He said handing me tissue from my glove compartment.

It's still weird to me how he can touch me but I can't touch him

"I just feel like we don't spend enough time together. He always wants to have sex Mike. All the time." I said rubbing my face.

"What do you expect him to do if you deprive him of it all the time. Would you rather him have sex with somebody else." He said.

He was making lots of points I just don't want to make any decisions right now.

"No I don't want that." I said very low at almost a whisper.

"Well you need to fix this. You all need to talk. Not just stop talking to him until you feel like he's learned. That's your husband not your boyfriend. That shit could fly then but not nomore." He said seriously. At this moment I knew that Mike wasn't playing with me but something in me just felt like this isn't the right thing for me to do.

"I want you to go home and talk to him. I want y'all to have a real heart to heart like you used to do. Put all your emotions on the table. Make sure he knows how you feel." He said raising a finger at me.

He slowly started to fade away and I knew my time was up.

I had sat out there so long that I lost track of time. It was now 11:00 p.m. and I know that Amari has probably almost lost her mind. Getting home and I'm not there.

I started my car and started to drive home. Our beach house isn't too far from the beach I was at so it didn't take me long to get home.

I walked into my house and didn't see anyone. Amaru nor Amari was in sight. I went upstairs and still there was no sign of my family.

I walked into my bedroom and sat on the bed. I then heard the door close, but I didn't move.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Amari ran through the door.

"Momma!" She screamed running towards me. I embraced and she started crying. "Where you was momma?" She scolded me. "My daddy started crying him went to look for you." She said pulling back from the hug.

"Where's your daddy now?" I asked picking her up and putting her onto my hip. "Him downstairs he told me to get ready for bed." She said crossing her arms.

I stood up with her still on my hip and started to walk down the stairs.

"Amari, please goto sleep." Amaru said , his voice cracked and he sounded like he was crying.

I put Amari down and she walked back upstairs. I walked down the stairs and stood in front of him.

He grabbed me hugged me tight.
"Man Damita, you had me fucking scared , I thought something happened to you." He scolded me.

"I'm sorry baby." I whispered.

"I thought you left me girl. Don't you ever do that shit again man." He said putting his arms around me. Kissing my forehead.

"I love you girl don't you ever do this shit to me again." He said hugging me tighter.

Him being worried about me made me feel a little better.