Legitimately Me ||H.S||

Chapter 8

"Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. When I'm not quite sure why things have to happen the way that they do, and why I keep allowing for it to be the way it is. I know that I can only rely on myself to change it all, and for some reason I don't do a thing about it.

Although I would give anything for things to be different, she has made it clear she doesn't want things to change and even though I know I shouldn't listen, I feel as though part of me is just trying to punish her for the way that she has treated me. How when she should have been trying to protect me, like I had tried for her, she didn't do a thing. It left me bitter. It left me filled with hatred and it broke my heart. And I know that I can't help her, because even if I tried, she would still feel the same way about me. It would change nothing.

That's the saddest thing about this all. She would still blame me, as if everything that happens is all my fault. Except she doesn't want things to change. She wants it to be this way. I don't understand it, and I probably never will.

I've found a good way to escape, and it works wonders, taking me away from my troubles, making me forget the world around me when I have it. And yet the second that escape has ended, reality consumes me. Hits me back with a force that somehow can't be reckoned with.

I need this escape more than anything though. To take the weight of the world off my shoulders. To remind me that there's more to life than what normally surrounds me, which only makes me want this escape more than I should, as if it's already become some kind of addiction.

I need it. I wish I could have it right now.

((edit: I feel the need to express the fact that this escape is not drugs, because as I read it back, it sounds like that's what I'm talking about, which it definitely is not! It's much much better than that! ☺))

Girl_Disconnected"

When you get used to a routine, when just about everything stays the same, day in and day out and you expect everything to never change, it's a strange feeling when it does. And it's not just today. Change has been happening all around me for the last couple of weeks, and my head feels just about ready to explode with confusion because of it.

Harry left class this morning to meet me in the parking lot to give me back my backpack where no one would see us, because as usual, I was late. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night after reading Boy_Undiscovered's post because of the song lyrics he had written about his Dad. This boy, this person who writes such beautiful words, has been through something like I have been living with, and although it's clear his mother was smarter than mine, he's still someone in this world who could understand me in a way that no one else could.

And before I could even think about falling asleep, my parents started their fighting all over again, leaving me unable to close my eyes. Their constant screaming back and forth, bottles breaking against what I'm guessing was the wall and I can always tell when everything takes a turn for the worst, because everything goes silent after it happens. And even in the silence I can't sleep, because I feel as though I'm watching it through my very own eyes, pictures flashing through my mind as I watch the horror I know just happened downstairs, inside of my head.

I always try to take my mind off of it all while it is happening, by doing what I always do—read people's blogs and write in my own. Last night I found out just how much Rachel and Chelsea seem to dislike Maddy because they seem to think she's stealing their boys away from them. Mainly Harry, but apparently they seem to think that because Harry has been hanging around Maddy more often than they'd like to see, they think his boys will follow.