Legitimately Me ||H.S||

Chapter 12

"What I need to remember, is there is a difference between someone wanting you and someone who would do anything to keep you. Somehow, I think I forget there is a difference and he most certainly wouldn't do a thing to keep me, because he only wants me. And all I can do, is take it for what it is, because I need him to be there to take away the pain when I need it. He's my outlet. I wouldn't do a single thing to keep him. It's all about want for me, when it comes to him. 

But sometimes I wonder what it's like to have someone who would do anything to keep me. If it's possible to even find another person in the world who could love me enough. I used to think I had that person. My forever. He was the only thing I ever needed. He was that person who made me smile. He made me laugh. Gave me reason to love life for all it was worth, no matter how hard things got. He was always the place I went to, to feel safe. Because being with him was the only place I felt like I belonged.

There has been times since he left me, that I thought for sure we'd fix things. That somehow in the end, after we grew up just a little and we figured everything out, that we would end up together. And I think part of him has felt that way too. But lately I have realized, that there is so much truth in the saying, 'everything happens for a reason,'  and I think that parting ways was always in the cards for us. Because I see now, that he isn't, and never will be my home the way he once was.

I know more than anything now, that he is only my past. There isn't any kind of future for us. He made me see that he is untrusting. He let the wrong words fly out of his mouth. Words that he promised never to speak in front of another person. And there he was, allowing for my secrets to be known. And in this life if you do me wrong, sometimes even an apology wouldn't suffice.

I have learned that people are so unpredictable. One moment they can love you more than anything else in the world, and the next, you mean nothing to them at all. And I think that's what makes everything so scary. You just never know who will make or break you. I want to find someone who would do anything to keep me. But how could I ever let my walls down far enough for someone to want to do that?

Girl_Disconnected"

"I had admired her for years. And admiring her from afar, was like staring at the stars. Beautiful to look at, yet too hard to reach. And even though she's given me just a sliver of herself now, she'll never give me all of her. She'll forever be fully out of reach. Closed off and unwilling. Or maybe she's unable to share with me the part of her I need the most. After all, we were never meant to know what makes each other's heart's beat or a single thought that we think.

It doesn't mean that she's any less beautiful to me now, than she was before—When I was only able to admire her from afar. Because up close, her blue eyes are piercing. I know she has stories in which she hides from the world around her, that only makes everything about her even more intriguing. There's more to her than meets the eye. And maybe that's why I have always been drawn to her. I like an untold story, a mystery just waiting to be resolved. And her eyes say everything she doesn't. Maybe I just need to look deeper and I will find the answers I'm looking for.

And it's clear to me that I'm torn between the girl standing in front of me, who gives me more than I ever asked for somehow, and a girl I've never met, who lets me into her beautiful mind. Together, they're the perfect girl. Separately, two incredibly different people with so many different things to offer.

I love the kind of girl who knows what she wants. Someone who's been hurt as much as I have, to know exactly what they're looking for. This girl, her mind, her broken self, is stronger than she thinks she is. She portrays herself beautifully, despite being damaged, and I hope that she knows that somewhere, someone is thinking of her and wishing somehow, someway, we'll meet.