Legitimately Me ||H.S||

Chapter 35

"Love and family should go hand in hand. With mine, hands only do the breaking. They only leave scars and bruises with every touch, filled with everything opposite to any sort of love, and I am always left to wonder what it's like to be a part of all the opposites for once. I got a glimpse of what it would be like. To be a part of something that I find magical. And it was more than I could have ever anticipated.

Although I was a stranger to them, they made me feel welcome. They took me in with open arms and their warm hearts and allowed for me to cry in their lap when I needed to. It gave me a sense of belonging. It gave me that happiness I long for. Of feeling loved by a woman who was not my mother, but acted as if she was when she knew I needed it.

And it's all made me feel crazier in a sense. Because I long for love. It's something I know that I need. I want to feel it. I want to be able to touch it with the tips of my fingers and have it grab onto my hand for dear life and never let go. And yet, it scares me more than anything.

I know that I'm confusing. I confuse myself in all the wrong ways. Because I want someone to love me so bad, and it hurts when I know someone doesn't. And sometimes I just wonder if I was made to be unloved. If I will ever be able to love someone again. If it's possible for someone to feel that way about me. I know that on my good days, I have a lot to offer. I would give the world to someone who would show me any kind of care.

But I know that it doesn't come that easy. Someone just doesn't fall into your life and feel that way. Life is not a fairy tale. I'm not a princess and I'm afraid I will never meet my Prince Charming. There will be no magical kiss that will wake me up from this nightmare and I will never get a happily ever after.

Although, sometimes when I kiss him and I get to see the stars, that magic appears and maybe I have to see that as a sign. Maybe that's the magic I've been longing for? For he is someone who has made my heart beat so fast, at times I didn't want it to beat at all.

Except I know that it isn't. It can't be. Because feelings between us isn't in the cards. I threw away my heart when this all started and although he has given me moments where I could literally feel my heart break with his words, it's never going to feel anything more than broken.

And he will never love me.

He loves my body. He loves what I give him. And maybe that's what he meant when he mistakenly said those words out loud, before he took them back. Before he realized the blunder he made.

And I will have to remind myself the next time he looks me in the eyes, that love is a myth and I will forever just be an untold story."

Girl_Disconnected"

Nervous. 

It's an understatement to how I've been feeling all day. It's made me throw up a couple of times, having to leave class to do so, unable to stop my heart from racing.

Anxious.

My hands won't stop shaking. I feel like I'm sweating. More panic within me than I think I've ever experienced. The thoughts in my head made everything worse, because I don't think that this dinner with my mother and Harry tonight will at all go well.

I went home from Harry's fairly early yesterday, and cleaned the living room and kitchen from top to bottom, making sure everything was shiny and in order. The difference between my house and Harry's was even more obvious to me now that I had stayed there for a few days, and all it did was make me even more depressed to call this place my home.

Mom wasn't in a good mood when she came out of her room. She was miserable and tired, but thankfully she drank the coffee I brewed for her instead of pour herself an alcoholic beverage. I had to remind her of the dinner we were having with Harry the next evening and she groaned about it, wanting to take it back.