Legitimately Me ||H.S||

Chapter 25

"I try so hard to hide everything I'm really feeling, from people who probably need to know my true feelings the most. And I'm only just realizing that the things I hide in my heart are what eat me alive. So maybe it's time to let it all out. To share myself with her the way I probably always should have. So that my heart can breathe freely again.

Because lately everything has come crashing down around me, and she's been the only one to make me feel like myself again. She helps me get away from it all. Away from the reality that so easily consumes me and makes me angry to know where I've come from and will forever be the thing I can't get away from.

I thought it was over. That part of my life that changed everything. Even though we have been away from him for five years, he's trying to storm his way back in, reminding me that five years isn't long enough to get over it. 

I thought I was over it. So many things in life have changed since then. Everything has been happier and easier and we've moved on. I've grown up from that scared kid I used to be, but since the second I heard his voice again, the only thing that seems to make me feel okay is her.

And I've realized I don't need magic. I need her arms around me at 3am, when the dark is consuming, and I need her to be real when nothing else is.

Because she is a storm — not the kind you run from. The kind you chase.

Boy_Undiscovered"

I've hidden away in the library the last few days at lunch hour to do my homework that I've fallen behind on. Sometimes things at home keep me from being able to concentrate on the more important stuff, and I find myself sitting in the farthest corner of the library at lunch hours just to get it all done.

But my mind has been preoccupied, as I try to work out these equations for math sitting in front of me, about my date with Niall, and I wonder how I'm going to tell Harry about it, or if I should. I thought for sure, people would be talking about it by now, because Niall was overly joyed that I accepted to go on a date with him and it seemed like something he would run to his friends about and tell them right away. But maybe Niall has figured me out enough to think this is just another one of those things I want to remain a secret. Because no one has said anything to me about it yet.

And that is just fucked up!

Harry never mentioned it either, both nights he came over since Sunday. I struggled with not telling him about it, which I felt was odd, because I never seem to have issues with keeping secrets or care to tell people anything. And yet, I hated that I had been keeping it from him, as if something inside of me was saying I was doing something wrong.

It was something that I have become confused about over the last few days. Was it wrong that I had accepted to go on a date with Niall? I had no plans to hook up with him, or even kiss him for that matter. And yet, despite the fact Harry and I are not in any type of relationship, I'm starting to feel like this is breaking the rules even though I know it isn't.

The rule of it just being me and him, consists of sex and sex only. He's still able to be the flirt that he is, with whomever he pleases, and whatever we do on our own time — well, that's been our own business. I don't know what he does on nights that I don't see him and not that I have much of a life apart from him, he doesn't question who I see or what I do either.

So why do I feel so bad about this whole date?

Maybe because he's been abiding by my rules quite nicely this week. Even on Sunday when we were together for such a long period of time, our no late night conversation rule became no daytime conversation. And while he came over two of the last three nights to have sex, he never tried to talk or overstay his welcome. He simply got what he came for and left.